{bad dreams}

i dreamt of snogging gerard last night.
i adore my husband.
but hell, gerard was good :)

above picture and many, many more can be found here

{dreamcasting}

it's probably no coincidence i don't feel my dreamboard is complete.
because it's sort of how i feel right now.
not in a bad way,
just in a kind of i'm on a journey way.

it's that time of year again,
where i start thinking about my word,
my focus for next year.

in 2008 it was foundation,
and that was the year i started taking my photography seriously.
in 2009 it was build,
and dogtales and dreams evolved into mckinley-rodgers photography,
and i became a working photographer.

what will 2010 bring?
what dreams and wishes do i want to cast a net for?
grow was word that floated around me today and,
everything i pulled together for my dreamboard were aspects of myself,
and my business,
i wanted to grow into.

i like the word grow because it is an organic process.
something that comes from what already is.

and so that is the dreamcast i make for myself today.
what's in your net?

as part of the new adventures we are embarking on,
revitalising our photography business is high on the list.

so it was like the heavens were supporting us today,
when the rains paused for a brief moment,
and allowed us to capture some memories for a beautiful family.

{why blog}

i was watching this vlog by denise today and it made me think of a similar question posed by ali edwards about the reasons why we scrapbook.

in her presentation, ali suggested by determining our underlying intentions, we can find the true voice for the stories we wish to tell.
and i believe the same is true for blogging.

it's no coincidence i think i was drawn into the world of blogging by these two women:
ali, for her incredible amalgamation of the art of story telling and actual creative design (something i hope to incorporate into my new journey with the tarot)
and denise for our then shared journey of (in)fertility.

certainly with regards to my discovery of denise's blog,
it was a huge thing for me.
for, up until then,
i had felt very alone in my secret hopes and fears about having a family.
so reading denise's blog was like having a weight lifted:
someone understands!

and listening to what she was saying on her vlog about reaching out to other women ~
well, i definitely felt she reached out to me,
and opened me up to a whole world of self discovery as a result.
honestly, blogworld can be like the best self-help book you could want!

i have to admit until very recently i was wanting to be just like,
some of the wonderously talented bloggers and e-entrepeneurs out there;
which can be, in some way,
a little counter-productive to self discovery.
but now, as i feel my own true self emerging,
i know this probably would have never happened had i not started by emulating what it might feel like by vicariously trying on the life of another.

but i digress...
sure, blogging has opened up a whole new world to me,
but why do i blog?

yes, there was the original,
"oh i want to blog and be just like them" bit,
but when you break it down,
it still brings back the original question:
why?

looking back,
and also seeing it from where i stand now,
i can see three main reasons why i blog:

1. trivial and as contradictory as it may sound,
i blog so i know my journal is contained and safe.
over the years i have half started many journals,
lost and burnt a few,
and generally have such a scattered psyche,
it is genuinely important to know my words can be safely stored away from my careless hands.

2. to share myself with those who know me.
for me it has been surprising to know who in my bricks-and-mortar world actually reads my blog.
often i write here about things i wouldn't necessarily talk about,
or even know how to bring up in every day conversation;
so it can give an insight to those i see in real life about what goes on beneath the surface.
i don't publicise my blog to all the people i know,
but for those i have done,
it was quite literally an invitation.
and although it has sometimes hurt me to see who might or might not be interested in taking up the invite,
it ultimately gives me a more honest level to connect with people on.

3. to connect with others i yet have the pleasure to meet.
probably one of the main reasons i was initially drawn into the world of blogging and wanted a piece of the blogger action i could see going on,
was all about the sense of community.
i would read about these amazing tribes of women forming through the common medium of the internet,
and i craved that.
that sense of women supporting each other:
sharing their vulnerabilities and strengths to empower each other.
it semmed so special.
so inspiring.
and i have to say,
meeting the women of the BBC as a result of blogging has been the greatest gift i could have wished for.
and they are a big reason for why i feel my own wings are finally making themselves apparent.

so those are the key reasons why i blog.
what about you?

{the emperor and his mate}

i got a fabulous new deck of cards recently,
and two of the first cards i drew were:
the king of swords and the emperor.

i bought this new set of cards with the very clear intention they were going to play a major part in the next stage of my life.
and i don't think it is a coincidence the first cards to greet me where there to acknowledge that journey i am embarking on.

from the minor arcana*
the king of swords is a card of wisdom.
symbolised in my new deck by a cat
(who also reminds me a little of puss n boots),
he perches proudly at the dark edge of a cliff.
yet he sits comfortably and securely,
staring at me unwaveringly from his seat.

i particularly like isabel kliegman's interpretation of the king of swords
which she says asks:
"is your life a life of truth?"
"does your life express the truth of your being?"
questions which have led me here in the first place.

the emperor is illustrated by a proud pig,
sitting at the top of the stairs,
on a throne,
red carpet rolling out from under his feet.

again the gaze is direct,
and i find the word pigheaded echoes repeatedly in my mind.
is it telling me to be pigheaded?
or warning me of it?

as a card of the major arcana,*
the emperor represents power and structure.
particularly on an inner level,
which in turn often defines how we are externally.

so, where the king of swords asks how the truth manifests itself in our lives e.g through work
the emperor looks at where this truth comes from ~
within.

in tarot wisdom, rachel pollack says,
"when this card appears, we might ask a simple question:
"do you see this figure as something outside you or yourself?" "

because only by acknowledging the emperor within,
can you establish your own rules,
and reign over your own destiny.

so together the cards have illuminated the path i am on:
the king of swords recognises the external role the cards will be playing in my life.
as physical objects in my everyday reality,
challenging me,
yet providing wisdom and guidance.
whilst the appearance of the emperor reminds me
i need to get acquainted and be comfortable with my own emperor.
i need to create some structure within which to house the enthusiastic and wild ideas and emotions i am experiencing.
i need to understand what empire i wish to rule over,
and i need to explore how that sits within the rules of actual society and the responsibilities expected of me within it.

i am choosing to see the cards at the moment for the inner messages my soul wishes to communicate to me.
but i also recognise the greater picture they are painting of my life at the moment ~
particularly the uncomfortable rumblings i have been having with the very real power and structure of government,
in relation to my current employment.
but that's a whole other post altogether!

right now i am just going to sit with the personal message these cards are enabling me to receive.

what would your emperor (or his mate) tell you?

* this relates to how the different cards are divided and interpreted,
something i will write about in later posts.