{the secret door}

i've finally unlocked the door inside my heart.

for so many years i've searched for the key
and wondered what treasures lay inside;
and finally the key fits.
and i stand here,
heart filled with hope and trepidation,
hand on the door knob,
exhilirated and terrified.

art journalling is the key and,
since i've been doing it,
i have been slowly reminded of the importance of play ~
like children do:
full of wonder and imagination...
before judgements, worries, or fears...

because that's where the magic happens.
that's when you are learning,
and that's when you are growing.
to grow = to live.

as i got older,
these magical moments became defined by "successes"
and somewhere along the way,
i forgot about the journey and just focussed on the results.
until eventually,
that was all that mattered.
gone was the journey of exploration, discovery and fun.
only results mattered,
because they were pre-determined,
expected.
desired.
anything less was worthless.
a failure.

yet i am beginning to remember now,
it was the journey which was important all along.
the result was merely the end of one cycle,
a stage in the process ~
no less important,
not good or bad.
compared to any other part,
it has no greater significance,
and it should never negate the stages preceeding it.
each cycle teaches us something,
and each lesson is as precious as the other.

art journalling brings me back to this truth.
a truth which when applied to the blank pages of a book,
is the same truth which i need to apply to life:
explore, discover and have fun!
don't worry about the final outcome,
that is merely one componant of the cycle...

so, on some days i manage to get down on paper something which i am surprisingly pleased with
(the inner critic might have been on a loo break)
but on many other days,
when i seem to be able to create nothing but a mess;
where in the past
(and i do still need to fight the urge sometime)
i would have given up,
ripped out the pages,
bought a new journal...
whatever it might be to erase my self titled "failures"
i embrace these mishaps as new learning experiences.

i can see the correlation now,
between the shame i felt about my imperfections on paper,
and all my other perceived imperfections!
after all if this is how harsh i am with myself about something i supposedly do for fun...

so as i learn to return to the process,
to love my imperfections for what they are,
i find i am equally forgiving of myself in other areas of my life.

this has been both as frightening as it is liberating.
all this time i've craved to be free from self limiting beliefs and ideas,
now i find the door leading to the possible answers,
i am a little nervous about walking through.
but i'm going to take a deep breath,
and open the door.

(dream big}

as i have read about others chasing their dreams,
it made me think about ours,
mine...

i feel blessed.
i lead a charmed life already,
and for that i am grateful every day.
but,
if i were to dream...
i would like to live on or by water.
oh yes,
water soothes my soul...
(i'm sure i was a mermaid in a previous life...
seriously.)

however,
due to circumstances beyond our control,
this will have to remain a dream for now.
still,
i do believe dreams can come true ~
one day.

what are you dreaming about today?

{new directions}

i am obsessed.
i recently enrolled on suzi blu's les petit dolls online class,
and i've been sketching non-stop since!

it's been a welcome change from my previous obsession of blogging,
(well, reading blogs anyway!)
and i feel i've finally made a transition from watching to doing!

one of the most exciting things is:
initially i sucked.
(i'm still not great)
but truly,
at the start i sucked big time.
yet,
despite moments where i did think:
"who am i kidding here?"
i persevered.
page, after page,
i kept trying.
kept going.
until suddenly,
last night ~
penny found her groove ;)

it was so exhilarating to move through that stage.
where previously i would have given up,
where i would have allowed my vanity to stunt my growth;
i finally allowed myself to be bad.
i finally believed it was okay to not be immediately brilliant,
(because lets be honest, how many people are?)
and i let myself play.
experiment.
and didn't judge what i created.

until finally my girl came to me.

this is only the beginning,
and i have a long journey ahead,
but i am excited,
and i feel transformed already.

{liberation}

i had a revelation recently.

all my life i believed i wanted to be a writer.
i grew up believing books were my passion.
and, in order to fulfill my destiny,
i would one day have to be a published author.

so it confused me somewhat,
knowing what i wanted to be,
to find i was still searching.

after all,
if my soul and passion lies in the written word,
why am i not madly scribbling away 24/7?
why am i not spending every waking moment finding excuses and reasons to feast on words?
why am i still looking for myself beyond the page?

for a long time i thought i was procrastinating through fear.
fear of rejection, not being good enough, blah blah blah
(all very real stuff i know, but no need to dwell on right here)
and although there is some truth in that too;
ultimately,
i realise now,
i was stalling because my creative journey needed to begin elsewhere.

so, although i haven't completely discarded my original dream,
i am seeing it in a new context and perspective:
for that, i need to rewind 30-odd years,
because it all begins with my mother...

just as a caveat,
i know she loved me and was the best mother she knew how to be.
in fact she was a wonderful mother in many, many ways.
but,
all my life she has also been incredibly critical of me.
thin on praise,
with a lot of constructive critiscism on offer,
she is forever telling me what (and how) i can do better ~
showing me if at all possible!
(for example, she ended up illustrating most of my school projects,
which i still remember used to make me feel so proud.)
i believed she did this because she wanted the best for me.

and i still do.

but i can also see now,
how unwittingly the message she also sent me was:
you are just not good enough.

so how does this relate to writing?
well, english is my mother's second language.
(she's chinese)
and so i found an escape in books and writing ~
it was a place she didn't have the authority to come and tell me how to do it better.

as such it became who i wanted to be ~
by default.
because it was the only place i could be {me}
no judgements.
no questions asked.
no let-me-show-you-how-you-can-do-it-better.
in a book,
between the pages of my journal,
i could run free and wild in abandonment.

yet i never did feel completely liberated.
there was still something missing.

sadly it's taken the disntegration of my relationship with my mother to see this.
it's taken my not needing her approval,
not searching for her praise,
to do what i've always wanted to do.

this week i picked up a brush, some paints,
and made a glorious mess.
i had a ball,
and i can't get enough of it.

who would have thought,
the one thing i always deferred to my mother,
is the one thing which brings me so much joy.

and so, it's taken 8 years of gentle trust from a man who loves {me}
for me to start believing in what he sees.
and,
as i approach my 37th year in life,
i'm finally shedding some old skin,
and stepping out into my (new) dream.

what dreams are unfolding to you?

i write this morning from a comfy corner in pret,
just having devoured the healthy tasting crayfish salad,
sipping a cappucino;
with a tantalising slice of lemon cake waiting on me as dessert...
oh yes,
this is the life...

but the reason i am here is because i have no blasted internet access at home!
i was warned,
i know.
but i was naive.
i believed if organised in advance,
there would be limited delay...
how wrong could i be!
blasted BT!

anyhow,
it's going to be another week (!) before i am online again,
so i just wanted to say i haven't just disappeared.
in the meantime i am excited
(oh how i love new beginnings!)
it's a new home,
a new month,
and a new year!
(it's my birthday in 2 weeks)
so much to share!
but it will have to wait...

till then,
i shall enjoy this new experience of public wi-fi.

what's new in your world?