{ Us }

{ My Own Path }

It's nice because I've been surfing the internet tonight looking for something I didn't find... Me. Normally when I have a vision of something I want to make or do, I surf this wonderful ocean of creativity for inspiration and, more often than not, find someone doing or offering a much better version of whatever I was thinking of! It's been hard because the internet has taken me into the lives of some incredible women who have equally amazed and intimidated me. I am *so* attracted to women who exude this energy, who are comfortable in their own skin, that I study everything they do, write, wear... hoping to find that magical ingredient that would make me be like them. It actually sounds a little creepy written out like that and honestly, there is nothing sinister about it. I guess I have just been so uncertain about who I am that I've been looking to see if I can find a reflection of me in others. I contemplate the women they are and wonder what is it about them that makes it look so easy to be yourself. I crave that sense of belonging. Of knowing myself.

Tonight I was looking for that reflection. My inner critic was out too. But we were both unsuccessful because finally the answers are coming from inside of me, and they will only begin to appear with the words *I* type, and the pictures *I* post. I realise now that I was looking for the answers by trying to become someone else. Subconsciously I think I was trying to take a short cut - hoping that I could follow someone elses path instead of doing the hard work and carving out my own. The irony is that is the very reason I admire these women - because they are carving out their own path. Moreso it is the honesty with which they do it, and the level of intimacy and vulnerability exposed by them in the process. They are fearless with their dreams, fully exposing them to the judgement of others, so that others may share their spirit. Those are the qualities that make them so incredibly beautiful.

Normally I look and read with longing but tonight, for the first time , I see something in my mind's eye that belongs to me and I'm ready to start carving!

Dogtales and Dreams

I have not been able to stop thinking about Dogtales and Dreams, but have been frustrated by the fact most things will have to wait until I learn and develop the skills that i will need. This is so difficult for me. I am a 'want-it-now' kind of person, but I guess this is all part of building *foundations*.

As a result however, I feel a little 'stuck' about what to write. I am fearful about writing too much about what I visualise for Dogtales and Dreams, as I am all too aware that occasionally people may happen upon this site and I am utterly terrified of what they might think. Of the idea... Of me. I guess, in keeping with my last blog, I am fearful of looking foolish.

But then this is what consumes me every day. Short of the love and affection I feel for my husband, there is nothing currently I feel this passionate about. The ideas, which are still forming, excite me like I've not felt in a long time, and I feel I have truly found something that resonates within me.

It's like the best friend you suddenly fall in love with. You can't believe that you never noticed them like that before. That is what it feels like to me. I have stumbled across something that has been a constant in my life, yet I never really gave it the attention it deserved. Like the best friend, it was what I always turned to, and it always made me feel good, yet I never considered it to be anymore than it was. It was a hobby.

Now we are embarking on a proper relationship together, I am equally fuelled by the irresistible combination of excitement and fear. I am going to take it slowly though, not rush into anything, and build proper *foundations*. I want this dream to grow on solid ground and, although it might take a little more time, in the end I know it will be worth it.

The Fool

I am going on a journey. Dogtales and Dreams was conceived tonight. Literally. Right now it is this tiny embryonic thought. So fragile and being desperately protected against self doubt and fear.

I don’t have a map or a plan; instead I am going to allow myself to travel with free hands and an open heart to accept the blessings and lessons that will come my way. For anything new to begin there has to be a leap of faith. Nothing new comes out of what you already know.

Of course there is a part of me that is fearful and hiding in the shadow of insecurity, but I am going to embrace the nature of the fool. A fool would pay no regard to such foolishness and carry on their merry little way regardless. So what if it might be off the edge of a cliff: sometimes only then do you discover you can actually fly.

The Date

What can I write about ‘the date’? What does that conjure up in my head? Emptiness. Of course a lot of happy memories come up: meeting Cam, our wedding, opening our first shop... some sad ones too, but nothing that jumped out and said, “This is *the* date”. For a second then I was going to launch into a lament about how I am still waiting for that elusive ‘date’: the moment that marks my discovery of the self. And then I realised it is now. “The date”, whatever it may be that we look back upon in happiness or sadness is remembered for the feelings it evoked in your presence. In the present. Every moment has the opportunity and significance of being ‘the date’, should you chose to imbue it with those colours. Today will be one of those dates to look back upon.

{Check out other scribbles on 'The Date' here}

Mondo Beyondo

I feel a little cheeky cashing in on the 'New Year' theme again seeing as that was what my last post was about! However, I came across this blog and it prompted me: "The surest way to start fresh and move forward is to be at peace with what came before... My challenge for you is to answer the following questions and declare 2007 complete." I guess, before I can embrace the *new*, I must let go of the old... So here it goes:

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
2007 was a big year, on so many levels. It's still hard to believe that at the start of the year we were settling in Australia, having just bought a house and started a business six months earlier; and by the end of the year we were back in England with a blank canvas! It was definitely one of the more challenging years, where I learnt big and expensive (on all levels!) lessons, but it was also the year I experienced first hand that saying, "This too shall pass". It was a powerful and humbling experience, to lose control over your life and have to give so much up to faith and hope. I feel happy and blessed that we got through it all.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?

The whole Australia experience held a lot of disappointment. The picture above is of my mother when we first arrived in Australia. I love this picture. She looks happy. *Really* happy. Anyone who has met my mother will know that she is a complex woman and genuine happiness is not something that comes easily to her. It moved even further away after my father passed away at the end of 2004. So the move to Australia was about *new* beginnings. A fresh start to build new hopes and dreams... the promise of the Lucky Country. And we felt lucky. Port Macquarie was like paradise, and I think my mother's expression and pose on the photograph holds all that promises.

Then came the news: she wouldn't be allowed to apply for a permanent visa until I was granted mine - in 2 years time. The politics of it all is inconsequential here, but the devastation of hope that bombshell caused is immeasurable. My mother crumpled over night. In retrospect, HUGE careless errors were made because of our ridiculous rush to move our entire lives to the other side of the world. Mistakes that could and should have been avoided, so that now I cannot help but wonder if my impetuous actions played some part in the stroke she suffered less than a year later.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

Despite the rollercoaster of trials and tribulations, there were good things that came out of the experience. We got to spend a precious 16 months with Cam's family and meet two new nephews. We realised how much we both loved England. We owned a Camper. We got Jake (our Jack Russell X)... the list goes on. So thank you 2007 for the journey you took me (us) on.

I declare 2007 complete and 2008 is my year of FOUNDATIONS.

{Mondo Beyondo rocks! And apparently Part II is coming soon! In the meantime, for other scribblings, go here}.

Happy New Year

Well I have to say as far as New Years' go, this was a pretty good start. Admittedly we were a little concerned when we were yawning incessantly around four in the afternoon, fearing that we wouldn't even see the clocks strike twelve, but thankfully with a little good food and lovely company, we managed a very respectable entry into 2008.

However what would a New Year be without resolutions? I know many people resent the cliche but I quite like it. There has always been something a little magical about the start of a new year for me. Even as a child I used to love waking up on New Years Day - it was like there was a little more promise in the air - and I would embark on the day with a sense of purpose and vigour. Today was no different and, as we went about the days activities, the fresh excitment of new possibilities bounced around in my mind.

I know this is going to be a year of transformations. My husband is due to embark on a new and extremely fulfilling career towards being a paramedic and I cannot even begin to describe my excitement for him. This will not just be a 'job' for him. It's a vocation. A calling even. When we first met I used to joke that he must be an angel disguised as a man walking this earth because he has this uncanny ability of connecting with people when and how they most need it, and spreading a little magic wherever he goes (even now I still occasionally look for signs of the wings that I am sure are hidden between his shoulder blades). He has such a deep connection and love for people that permeates every interaction, people cannot help but be drawn in by his genuine interest. Recently we have been spending a lot of time at hospital because my mother had a stroke at the beginning of December and, it's amazing to watch, he is like a minor celebrity on the ward. He knows the name of every nurse, cleaner, patient and even most of their visitors! He talks and comforts those who are alone and afraid, holding their hands, whilst he waits with them for a nurse to come, or cracks jokes with the elderly ladies, making them blush and momentarily forget the pain and discomfort they are in, as they fall under the spell of his charms. He truly cares and it shows, and people are drawn to him because of it. Now he is about to make caring his lifes work. He will be attending to people at their most desperate and vulnerable times and he will hopefully bring them a little light, peace and comfort into those dark and scary moments. The world is a better place because of him.

Just as he has found his life's calling, I am embarking on the journey for mine. My resolution for the year is to be true to myself, even if it means looking fear and failure in the face. When I mentioned in my last post about my inability to be 'open' - I think a lot of it has to do with the fear of looking foolish. The fear of disclosing what my hopes and dreams are so that should I fail, it would be apparent and humiliating. Where that cruel fear comes from, I am not so sure, but it needs to be laid to rest. I am the first to encourage others in any endeavour, first to remind them that just by trying something, they have already shown strength and courage. I know this. I know, that ultimately, to succeed in anything you have to be prepared to fail, as Walter Brunell said, "Failure is the tuition you pay for success". So why have I been so fearful? To be honest I have spent far too long thinking about the reasons why, now I just need to get on with it. Who knows, maybe then the answer will come, but at least I'm not wasting any more time just thinking about it!

So there are three things three things I want to lay firm *foundations* for this year: writing, being a life artist and becoming a web designer. Instead of being fearful and embarassed of possible failure - I am publically declaring and celebrating the journey I am embarking on. I'm sure I will stumble along the way, but I am finally committed to the path. Committed to myself. This is definitely going to be a year to remember.