{praying}

15 mature eggs were collected yesterday, which made the agony i was in afterwards worth it.
unfortunately this morning we were told only 1 fertilised normally.
i would be lieing if i didn't admit my initial reaction was disappointment. i think we had hoped with 15 eggs, our odds would be higher.
but then all it takes is one for our miracle...
the next 24 hours are crucial to see if the cells divide normally and, if so, the embryo will be transferred tomorrow.
i've never really prayed. but today i am praying...

{courage}

we are coming to the last stages of our ivf cycle now and the reality is truly sinking in.

my eggs will be collected on tuesday and, all going well, the embryo transfer will take place 3-5 days after that. then it is the "two week wait" when we can only hope and pray that they find a home in my womb to nestle in for the next 9 months. we have one amazing, wonderful opportunity here and the final outcome will be known to us in perfect time for cam's birthday and our 7th wedding anniversary (same day, 16 november). that prospect terrifies me. regardless of the result, our lives will change irrevocably in 3 weeks.

it's been an interesting 6 weeks leading up to this point, as i braced myself and my body for a rollercoaster ride. yet, i haven't really been aware of any significant changes physically. nor emotionally. well, not in the negative way i had imagined anyway! instead, i found myself unearthing an inner peace and self confidence i didn't really know i had. a quiet acceptance of who i am. a gentle observer of life around me and where i chose to fit in to it. in fact, amidst everything (i also started a new job and photographed my first wedding) i found courage.

i like to think that maybe this is a small sampling of the potential of motherhood. after all in one moment you suddenly become responsible for another human beings life. if that isn't rising to a challenge, i don't know what is!

because what i've also learned these last weeks is that fear doesn't kill you. in fact sometimes the greatest rewards will only come by taking a plunge, deep into what you most fear. i was frightened by this ivf journey. both physically and emotionally i was scared it would damage me. i was worried that it would have a negative effect on my marriage, on my relationship with cam. i am still petrified about how we will cope if it doesn't work.

but that's the thing. fear is based on the unknown. and that is what makes it scary. because sometimes we allow ourselves to think the worst. at the end of the day, to quote nietzsche, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and, as i walk the final steps of this journey, i need to remind myself of this. i need to remember by walking into my fear i can only be rewarded. at worst with courage and, in this instance, at best, with our babies.