well i woke up and went to work today with a new sense of awareness about me. i made a conscious point to check that i was being present and 'listening' to who i was being... and... and well there were no big revelations or surprises. i just don't really enjoy my job.
when cam and i moved back to england, and after 4 years of working for ourselves, we decided to be 'sensible' and return to the general workforce. in some ways i know it was the right thing to do, because it has enabled cam to find his true calling. but for me it has been a difficult transition. i miss the creativity i had when we ran our own business. in our last shop, a 'paint your own pottery' studio, i had the opportunity to paint all day - now the most creative thing i do is decide what colour folder to file papers in! but our circumstances are such that leaving my job without another source of income is impossible.
what i did realise today however, is i have been using this as an excuse and wishing time away. literally. and unfortunately with all things negative. i have spent quite possibly 12 hours a day thinking about all the reasons why i didn't want to be there. focussing on the constraints. getting annoyed. being despondant. what a waste! and the irony!
so something did come out of being present today. i changed my perspective. yes, my role can be mind numbingly routine at times, but those moments allow me the freedom to *think* about other things. i may be committed physically, but mentally and spiritually i can fly wherever i want. so whilst i am there, i can slow cook the finer details of dogtales and dreams in my mind. rather than truly waste time by thinking about all that i can't control, i am going to use it wisely, and spend it planning, designing and creating the future i am walking towards...
tomorrow night we are going out for dinner with one of cam's new colleagues and a large group of his friends. i have to be honest and say, under most circumstances, that is my worst nightmare. i am not good when it comes to meeting new people. i struggle embarassingly with small talk and i find groups of people (not to mention new people) utterly terrifying! but on the quest to {being present} and discovering who i am, i will approach this like an undercover reporter and see what i uncover... wish me luck!
1 comment:
GOOD LUCK!! I am the same way with people, but I am slowly learning that so much of it really is mental...if I go into it feeling strong, confident, brave, it really isn't all so bad. Funny how much perspective can change these things.
I love the line "i may be committed physically, but mentally and spiritually i can fly wherever i want. " SO very true. I used to work in an office and literally spend half my day staring out the window, wishing I were somewhere else. I know how you feel completely. Hang in there. It is just a job. You can leave it where it is. Your life belongs to you and I have every confidence that you will make it phenomenal.
(((((HUGS))))
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