Cam

"[They] function from the deeper core of their being - those who do not attempt to appear more than they are, but as simply themselves, stand out as remarkable, and are the only ones who truly make a difference in the World... Their mere presence, simple, natural, unassuming, has a transformational effect on whomever they come in contact with." 

- Eckhart Tolle

You have most definitely transformed my life, and  here are 40 reasons why...

1.  Your imagination
2.  Your genuine interest in people
3.  How you will BBQ, come what may, on Australia Day
4.  The way you love our fur babies
5.  And carry Cujo on your back
6.  How you warm my side of the bed for me whilst I'm in the shower
7.  For being smokin' hot
8.  Your love of bread
9.  For always carrying both camera bags
10. Your gift with words and bringing stories to life
11. The way you see the World
12. How you can't sleep when you're over excited (or over tired!)
13. For doing the 'slut drop' on demand
14. Your sense of duty
15. The way you dream big
16. Your compassion for others
17. How safe you make me feel (we survived the murder cabin!)
18. The way you cared for my mother
19. Your ability to absorb knowledge
20. Your dark sense of humour
21. The music you create
22. Your patience
23. For cooking THE BEST paella (almost makes me sad I don't eat meat anymore!)
24. Your free spirit
25. Your insatiable appetite for news
26. The way you have to pick up and play any instrument you walk past at home
27. Your appreciation of bed picnics
28. The way you instinctively put your arm around me when I come to bed after you
29. And whisper 'I love you'
30. For getting out of a warm bed at 2am to watch the Lunar Eclipse with me
31. How you indulge and support all my revelations
32. The relationship you have with your family
33. Your quick wit
34. For being my private dancer
35. How you always put others before yourself
36. Your modesty
37. For carrying me on your paddleboard and making it look effortless
38. The way you eat M&Ms and sing Taylor Swift to stay awake on a long drive
39. For making me laugh EVERY day
40. For being you

I feel lucky every day to have you in my life.

Happy birthday my love, and happy anniversary xx

{to the one i love}

thank you for coming into my life 8 years ago today,
and giving me a reason to be thankful every day since.

thank you for introducing me to the joy of laughter,
and making it part of our daily life.

thank you for loving me,
and for teaching me to love myself.

thank you for showing me what it means to lead by example,
and living life with integrity and honesty.

thank you for giving me space to feel brave,
and catching me when i fall.

thank you for the amazing adventures we have had,
and the many more we are dreaming up right now.

thank you for imagineering with me,
and for believing in the power of us.

thank you for being born 34 years ago today,
and choosing me to be your wife.

i love you
xo

{my husband, the healer}

i just want to blog about my husband and tell you how great he is.
recently he jumped over to the dark side and joined me in probation.
having worked together for the last 4 years,
and then working apart for the last year,
i was over the moon to find ourselves holding hands walking to work together again... sigh :)

anyway, he rocks.
because he changes lives.
truly. from the heart.
he's recently taken on a handful of new cases.
all young men, under the age of 21.
all angry young men, with tough childhoods.
all broken young men,
who now find themselves on the wrong side of the tracks...

and he connects with them.

because he's been there.
they may share different stories,
but the core emotions and experiences are the same.
and they can see he hears them.
he doesn't condone or justify some of the things they have done,
but he understands,
and he knows they can be more than the sum of their past.
he believes they can have a brighter future for themselves,
if they learn to chose it.

for some of these guys,
it's probably the first time someone believes in them.
the first time someone sees potential in them.
the first time someone tells them something affirming. something positive.
the first time someone refers to their future without crime. without drugs.
the first time someone says this all to them, genuinely .

because they can see it.
they can feel it.
the magic is...
then they respond to it.

you see, one thing i have come to realise about a lot of the people we work with is this:
they may not be the most educated, most articulate, most aware people in the world;
but they are some of the most sensitive.
having grown up reading the "vibes" of those around them - be it for comfort or survival - they are constantly conscious and processing how they feel about the people around them.
throw into the mix they are often used and abused by the people around them,
you can see how difficult it can be at times to gain a rapport or develop a connection.

so my husband is amazing.
he manages to break through those layers.
seemingly effortlessly.
and he gets to the person behind the image.
behind the bravado. the shield. the defense.
he gets to core and sees the hurt.
connects with the child. the pain.

and then slowly,
but surely,
he sets about healing it.

hey, do you know i love my husband? :)

{making a difference}

maneouvring through a maze of grief, cam and i have been talking a lot recently. we've been exploring where our souls wish to lead us next, and trying to unravel the truth from the lies we tell to protect ourselves and our hearts...

because what are we really crying about? i mean, although we may never be able to have our own biological children, we are still able to have a family if that's what we really wanted. so is that what we want? and if not, what is it we are mourning the loss of?

don't get me wrong, there is nothing i would desire more on some days, than to see the reflection of our love in the face of a child. to feel the warmth of a small body snuggled into me. to hear cam being called 'dada'. but the truth is, those moments are still be available to us if we choose. so is it really about genes?

and that is the crux of it. from thinking we had no choice, we've found we actually do. in fact, rather than blindly following the conventions of: grow up, meet someone, get married, have children, grow old, die. suddenly we are faced with a conscious decision. and the question becomes: what do we really want as opposed to what should we want. because, when it comes to having children: is it about creating a part of us, or is it about creating a family? and exactly what is a family? what does it mean?

of course most would probably say it is a bit of both, and i don't doubt for the majority it probably is. but for the growing number of couples who cannot have their own biological child, it becomes a genuine question.

cam told me tonight part of his pain is the thought his existance is no longer valid. that his infertility is the universes way of saying he is not worthy to procreate, to take part in the cycle of life. to be part of evolution.

i never thought of it like that before. but what he said resonated.

all my life i've yearned to be something more. to make a difference. to contribute. and i can see now how parenthood is one of the most valuable contributions people can choose to make to society. to create a new life and have the power to instill into that pure being the values and magic of possibilities... wow, what could be more important or worthwhile. talk about well and truly "making the world a better place."

but reality isn't like that. certainly not in the world i live in at the moment. where i work, i meet some of societies most broken and damaged people. where children are having children, and mothers and fathers are too high to care. i talk to men who don't know how to resolve an argument without using their fists, and young girls who get their teenage kicks from street robberies. i spend my days trying to understand who they are and how i can help them.

because i see their raw potential. i see the twinkle in the eye of the man who spends his nights getting stoned and sleeping all day. i see the strength in the 19 year old mother of two who has battled addictions since she was 13 when left by her parents to fend for herself. i see a future for the 'hoodie' who didn't believe he could hold down a job, but has been working for the last 2 months now.

i see possibilities in them they may have never seen themselves. i believe in the strength of human spirit. and i am willing to work with them for as long as i can, to help them see it in themselves. they are not babies. and they don't come from me. but they are part of me. they are part of my world and, to play even the smallest part in theirs, i am making a difference.

without giving birth and having a nuclear family of my own, i can still contribute to the world. i can still plant my seeds. maybe not in the form of my cells and DNA: but hopefully with my words, my hope and, most of all my love.