{take 2}

although we "launched" mckinley-rodgers photography a little while ago, truth be known, we were never fully committed to the idea. having been self employed in the past, we found ourselves often conflicted: on one hand yearning for the creative autonomy that comes with being entrepreneurs; yet also reluctant to give up the security of a guaranteed monthly pay check, with paid sick leave and holidays. add to that the financial risk often involved in starting a new business, we have been stuck in the land of indecision for some time now...

i think subconsciously there was a large part of us frozen in fear too; we came so close to losing everything in our last business, the thought of putting ourselves through anything like that again was terrifying. but there comes a point when you have to make a choice, and the nagging voice inside our heads (and hearts) was unrelenting: this is what you are meant to do.

and so, although we are not about to quit our jobs tomorrow, we have agreed to pursue our dreams wholeheartedly; with the aim to be working as full time photographers within 24 months. big dreams at the time of an economic uncertainty? you bet :)

back in november, when we first felt the stirrings, i drew a tarot card to give me some guidance. it's amazing how apt that message still is. in fact it never ceases to amaze me how the tarot can be such a wonderful tool for communicating with your soul; a way of offering insight from your higher self, who so often has the answers and is ready and willing to guide you. and so i am going to embrace the tarot in this journey and use it as a compass to show me the way forward.

i hope to use this space here to document my journey and discoveries, and will commit to a weekly post every monday. if you have plans to start a creative journey, i would love for you to join me!

{stepping out}

it's the first full moon of the new year and so i thought i would draw a tarot card for inspiration, as i sat to think about my dreamboard for this month.

i picked the three of cups and, i have to admit, i was initially a little disappointed, as the meaning of the card wasn't immediately apparent to me...

the threes in a suit tend to relate to the initial successes of creative expression. it's a card of fulfilment; and the three of cups in particular talks of friendships and its joys.

so i sat and meditated on the message the card might have for me how it might relate to my desires for 2010... i was confused. but then it hit me.

i was lucky enough to have started this year in the company of some extraordinary women. it was a power full weekend where the energy was palpable and i still look back in awe at being part of the experience.

and there is a particular moment which sticks in my mind; when dear lisa and i were tucked in the corner doing a tarot reading. sas had left a notebook in the nook where she invited us to write freely as we are called to. so, after the reading, lisa and i leafed through it and found one of sweet leonie's hair tingling, heart moving, poems. as always, i was in awe, and acknowledged out loud to lisa how incredible i thought leonie was. lisa nodded in agreement and said, "but so are you. that is why you are here."

i don't recall how i responded. but i assume with my usual, slightly awkward and embarassed laugh, and possibly even a quiet thank you. but those words have been dancing around me ever since.

because it is hard for me. so very hard to feel that i am an equal in the company of these women. they ooze talent, inspiration, originality, wisdom, style, wit, creativity... from every pore, and i feel so... so ordinary by comparison.

but this card is telling me it's time to step up to the table and take my seat. to believe in my own worth and enjoy the magic that comes from the union of like minded souls. jamie asks "what is your heart yearning for? what is stirring in your heart and soul? what is ready to come into your life, here under the full moon?" and this is it. i am ready to believe in my own worth, and embrace the hand of friendship these wonderful women have reached out to me. i am ready to be me, and believe i bring something to the table too. i am ready to step outside of my own shadow, and howl my desire to the moon.

what's your yearning?

if you could do ANYTHING in the world for a living;
where money, experience, age, knowledge, time, skill, etc, etc, etc,
is no obstacle, what would you want to do?

despite being overwhelmed by the kind comments on my dear fear post (thank you);
suddenly, after telling fear to fuck off,
i came to an eerie standstill.

it was as if now i didn't have fear standing in the way,
i didn't know which way to go ~
or even where i wanted to go!

even when i started writing this post, it was filled with all sorts of reasons about why i had these feelings of inadequacy and insecurities... until i realised these are merely the origins for some of the less favourable stories i may tell myself; but they still don't answer the pertinent question:
without these layers of inhibition, who am i?

i feel like a reluctant life model about to drop her robe for the first time,
and i am really struggling with this.

but i know if i could do anything,
where failure, ego and fear don't exist,
i would spend my days creating ~
designing with words, imagery and a sprinkling of magic.

and i know if i felt no fear,
i wouldn't worry about how old i am,
or the fact i could be rejected,
and i would fill in that application and get on the foundation course.
yes, if i told fear to fuck off,
that's what i would do.

{the magician }

"dreams pass into the reality of action.
from the actions stems the dream again;
and this interdependence produces the highest form of living."
~ anais nin

last year i started dreaming big.
in fact it was about this time last year when i wrote my first list of 101 things.
it was really interesting revisiting that post recently.
to see how many things i subconsciously manifested,
and how many remain gathering dust on the shelf of dreams;
some are even past their sell by date now.

it made me realise though,
i have always been a dreamer.
but what i often lacked was the follow through.
it would seem obvious,
but it's really taken me up until now to really get that.

so today i am drawing on the power of the magicians card and revising my list.
drawing from the power of the universe,
the magician channels that energy into earthly creations.
this is a card of ACTION.

the magician doesn't allow the human affliction of ego (fear) to inhibit this channel,
and is a reminder for me to just let my creative energy flow.
because my dreams are full of magical potential;
i just need to take the next step and manifest them into reality.

101 things (revised in for 2010)
1. start and complete an art journal
2. make all cards and gifts for one year
3. go away on a girls weekend
4. set up a mobile photography studio
5. design my own set of tarot cards
6. have a feather down farm holiday
7. be a guerilla artist for one day
8. keep a body journal for at least one month
9. bake a birthday cake
10. make a recipe book of my mums dishes (with pictures)
11. go to a photo exhibition in london
12. bake cookies
13. sew a pair of curtains
14. complete a 12 week yoga course
15. finsih our australia scrapbook
16. take a photo every day for 365 days
17. take part in the 29 day giving challenge
18. take pictures at a british seaside
19. do a sponsored run
20. have a family photo session
21. revisit paris
22. go on a spa retreat
23. go to prague
24. drive to switzerland
25. be published
26. have a midnight picnic in a boat in the middle of a lake
27. read the tarot professionally
28. go to athens
29. have a dirty weekend with cam
30. renew our wedding vows on the beach
31. start and complete a gratitude journal
32. write love letters to 10 friends (0/10)
33. read women who run with the wolves
34. make a set of postcards from my pictures
35. paint our portrait and hang it up
36. dress up in 50s style and have a photo shoot
37. do a burlesque class
38. learn to belly dance
39. make a compilation CD
40. go on a womens creative retreat
41. sleep under the stars
42. see the northern lights
43. have a garden i am proud of
44. own a claw foot bath
45. be able to do the sun salutation without thinking
46. journal everyday for a month
47. blog twice a week for a year
48. complete street dogs project
49. see the grand canyon
50. find a mentor/coach
51. drive across america
52. learn to salsa
53. salsa dance in cuba
54. join a book group and go
55. have dinner at gees
56. read ten new authors (0/10)
57. go on a dog days out
58. stand up for what i believe in and go on a protest
59. have a belfast sink in my kitchen
60. buy a type 2 camper automatic
61. write a book
62. run a creative workshop
63. exhibit my pictures
64. explore western australia
65. read for 30 minutes every night for a month
66. go to WPPI
67. launch mcKinley-rodgers photography
68. become a certified life coach
69. open an etsy shop
70. run an online workshop
71. organise my wardrobe
72. have my own letterpress business cards
73. photograph 30 weddings in one year
74. make calendars with my photographs for christmas presents
75. attend a photography workshop
76. enter a photography competition
77. find a vintage wingback chair
78. visit the lake district
79. camper van around Scotland
80. revist Mary Coulter Hotel and our tree
81. pick wildflowers for the table
82. grow my own herbs
83. go whale watching
84. buy/build a eco-home
85. organise my photographs (and back up!)
86. read the paper every day for a week
87. go one week without the internet
88. complete an arts foundation course
89. scrapbook our wedding
90. complete yesterday and today workshop retrospectively
91. swim with a beluga whale
92. walk the inca trail
93. dance in the rain
94. watch the sun rise with cam
95. meditate for 10 minutes every day for a week
96. read all the books i own
97. ride the orient express
98. write a page a day for one month
99. wear plaits in my hair
100. go on a canal boat holiday
101. be successfully and creatively self employed

bold italics = completed

{dreamcasting}

it's probably no coincidence i don't feel my dreamboard is complete.
because it's sort of how i feel right now.
not in a bad way,
just in a kind of i'm on a journey way.

it's that time of year again,
where i start thinking about my word,
my focus for next year.

in 2008 it was foundation,
and that was the year i started taking my photography seriously.
in 2009 it was build,
and dogtales and dreams evolved into mckinley-rodgers photography,
and i became a working photographer.

what will 2010 bring?
what dreams and wishes do i want to cast a net for?
grow was word that floated around me today and,
everything i pulled together for my dreamboard were aspects of myself,
and my business,
i wanted to grow into.

i like the word grow because it is an organic process.
something that comes from what already is.

and so that is the dreamcast i make for myself today.
what's in your net?

(dream big}

as i have read about others chasing their dreams,
it made me think about ours,
mine...

i feel blessed.
i lead a charmed life already,
and for that i am grateful every day.
but,
if i were to dream...
i would like to live on or by water.
oh yes,
water soothes my soul...
(i'm sure i was a mermaid in a previous life...
seriously.)

however,
due to circumstances beyond our control,
this will have to remain a dream for now.
still,
i do believe dreams can come true ~
one day.

what are you dreaming about today?

{dreamboarding}

i've heard the term vision boards, dream boards, banded about for some time now, and i keep meaning to create one for myself. i love the intention behind them, and the active message you are sending to the universe.

orginally coined by sacred suzie and now hosted by jamie, who once again creates a space for people to come together and pool their collective power, tonight we honour the full moon and release our wishes into the new year.

this is my first attempt at the dreamboard and, although i had originally wished to create a collage (maybe next time), i was instead called to pull it together digitally. as such, i need to credit the wonderful work of the photographers whose pictures i have used to illustrate the dreams i wish to draw in and manifest in my own life. so, in order, from left to right: the ethereal boho girl, the gentle yet powerfully talented and creative kelly rae, a superhero, an original shutter sister, the inspirational jesh de rox and little ol' me!

for more dreamboards, check it out here! and in the meantime, may all your wishes come true...