{making a difference}

maneouvring through a maze of grief, cam and i have been talking a lot recently. we've been exploring where our souls wish to lead us next, and trying to unravel the truth from the lies we tell to protect ourselves and our hearts...

because what are we really crying about? i mean, although we may never be able to have our own biological children, we are still able to have a family if that's what we really wanted. so is that what we want? and if not, what is it we are mourning the loss of?

don't get me wrong, there is nothing i would desire more on some days, than to see the reflection of our love in the face of a child. to feel the warmth of a small body snuggled into me. to hear cam being called 'dada'. but the truth is, those moments are still be available to us if we choose. so is it really about genes?

and that is the crux of it. from thinking we had no choice, we've found we actually do. in fact, rather than blindly following the conventions of: grow up, meet someone, get married, have children, grow old, die. suddenly we are faced with a conscious decision. and the question becomes: what do we really want as opposed to what should we want. because, when it comes to having children: is it about creating a part of us, or is it about creating a family? and exactly what is a family? what does it mean?

of course most would probably say it is a bit of both, and i don't doubt for the majority it probably is. but for the growing number of couples who cannot have their own biological child, it becomes a genuine question.

cam told me tonight part of his pain is the thought his existance is no longer valid. that his infertility is the universes way of saying he is not worthy to procreate, to take part in the cycle of life. to be part of evolution.

i never thought of it like that before. but what he said resonated.

all my life i've yearned to be something more. to make a difference. to contribute. and i can see now how parenthood is one of the most valuable contributions people can choose to make to society. to create a new life and have the power to instill into that pure being the values and magic of possibilities... wow, what could be more important or worthwhile. talk about well and truly "making the world a better place."

but reality isn't like that. certainly not in the world i live in at the moment. where i work, i meet some of societies most broken and damaged people. where children are having children, and mothers and fathers are too high to care. i talk to men who don't know how to resolve an argument without using their fists, and young girls who get their teenage kicks from street robberies. i spend my days trying to understand who they are and how i can help them.

because i see their raw potential. i see the twinkle in the eye of the man who spends his nights getting stoned and sleeping all day. i see the strength in the 19 year old mother of two who has battled addictions since she was 13 when left by her parents to fend for herself. i see a future for the 'hoodie' who didn't believe he could hold down a job, but has been working for the last 2 months now.

i see possibilities in them they may have never seen themselves. i believe in the strength of human spirit. and i am willing to work with them for as long as i can, to help them see it in themselves. they are not babies. and they don't come from me. but they are part of me. they are part of my world and, to play even the smallest part in theirs, i am making a difference.

without giving birth and having a nuclear family of my own, i can still contribute to the world. i can still plant my seeds. maybe not in the form of my cells and DNA: but hopefully with my words, my hope and, most of all my love.