{hope}

wow.

we just received news through the post that we are suitable candidates for IVF.
this is big news and my heart is still pounding hard.
it's scary too, as i don't want to allow myself to get too excited.
but the possibility...

we don't talk much about our fertility (or lack of!) journey.
mostly because it is something very private and personal to us.
but it is also becoming something harder to avoid: as we have reached the point in life where friends around us are having children, and the fact that we are still childess after close to 7 years of marriage, doesn't go unnoticed.
those closer to us know a little about our situation, but generally it is something that is rarely discussed and often skimmed over.
i know more often than not this is mostly because people don't really know what to say.
hell, most of the time i don't know what to say!
and generally that is fine by me.

the truth of the matter is we have always known that it was going to be difficult, if not impossible, for us to have children.
and over the years we have learnt to live with that. and live with it happily too.
of course there are {moments} like when a friend announces a pregnancy, or when i see that special relationship between a parent and a child, that it tugs at the heart strings.
that i feel the injustice of the situation. that i wish things could be different.
but moments is all that they are.
and the majority of the time i am grateful for the many blessings i do have, and find faith and trust that life works in ways that we may not understand ~ but we should always be thankful for.

these last few months have been difficult for us because we have been challenging that status quo. we have actively sought to investigate, for once and for all, whether there is a {real} possibility for us to have children.
and it's been tough. because to know the {truth} could potentially remove any last small shred of hope that we had.

and then we receive the letter today.

on one hand it is the {best} news in the world.
confirmation that there {is} a chance. that we could still one day be parents.
confirmation of hope.

on the other it is terrifying.
you hear such horror stories of what IVF can do to you.
how the emotional rollercoaster can be devastating to a couple...

i feel overwhelmed.
i want to be strong. yet remain hopeful.
i want to visualise the family that i feel we deserve,
but i am fearful of allowing myself to dream for fear of the disappointment...

i know i just need to sit with these feelings for awhile.
let them settle.

ultimately though, i just wanted to share the good news.

Updated:
it's interesting. reading over what i have written it seems abundantly clear that i do want to have children, but i've just not allowed myself to think about it.
and i don't mean that in terms of denial ~ but rather ~ convincing myself there is no point dwelling or craving something i have no control over.
and i still stand by that.

i think that is why the letter has been such a spin out.
because i feel today we {have} been given some control.
there is a genuine possibility.

sometimes it's easier not knowing the truth, because it absolves you of any responsibility (and sure, it saves you from heartbreak too).
but sometimes the things worth having, are worth taking a risk over.
either way i believe i will be richer for the journey.

so i'm going to embrace it.
wholeheartedly.
i'm going to allow myself to want this.
and do everything i can to make this happen for us.
wish me luck.