{after the rain}

i am floundering this week. i have not been unhappy. but i have been wholly uninspired. photographs don’t look right. words won’t string together. even at work it seems like my mind is working against me. so although i started the week relatively optimistic, i am fast spiralling into a cavern of uncertainty.

i try and desperately look around me. is it my environment? certainly the study has seen better days. so i tidy it. no difference. maybe it’s the bedroom? so i overhaul that too. but still i sit here. struggling to find the something that will ignite the embers inside... and i am seriously worried if nothing happens, they will extinguish altogether!

so i force myself to type on the blank screen. hoping that by the act of doing, something will be created. meaning can be found. and it’s true: there is magic in action...

admittedly i thought i was going to come across some profound inner truth. some hidden but significant fact about myself. or my past , or something equally insightful...

but the bottom line is procrastination. plain old procrastination.

initially i thought it was fear. certainly fear is a little more dramatic and i could work with some inner demons and write an entire post about the fear of stepping out and owning my dreams and what if i fail etc etc etc. don’t get me wrong, that is all true, and fear is definitely a contributor - but ultimately only to back up its mate: procrastination. not quite as menacing a word is it? but that’s what it boils down to: fear stands in the way of action. and action is called for now.

because the fact is every day i write down what it is i need to do. these early uncensored thoughts in my morning pages has made me unwittingly declare my intentions. from the mundane, to the creative, to the profound. i can’t deny who it is i want to be and what it is i want to do. but every day i do nothing about it. hidden in the barely legible writings of my notebook, i try and ignore them. and then i sit here wondering why i am floundering!

so yes, although it is the faithful foe that prevents me from taking those first tentative steps, i am reclaiming the power. so what if i do fail? the real failure would be in not trying. i am sick of sitting here thinking about all the things i should be doing. waiting for it to be perfect before i start. because ultimately perfection doesn’t really exist. what is perfect to me today, may not necessarily be so tomorrow, and it certainly won’t be to everyone. i don’t want to waste anymore time waiting for the right moment. because that is now. it always has been. it was just waiting for me to catch up!