{healing}

it seems apt to start writing again on a new moon. i feel it is the beginning of a new cycle; these last 10 days in particular bringing everything to a crescendo. my darling sister in law recently wrote to me and said: have you been able to find the space to process your own thoughts and feelings? and the truth is i don't think i really have. i feel i have just launched from one crisis to the next, without a moment to pause and think about myself. but maybe that has been a good thing because now, in the quiet of the morning, when i feel the silt of recent events begin to finally settle, i see i have unwittingly created some space. some space between our failed ivf and where i sit now, so that i may be able to process my emotions and feelings a little more objectively...

i've become addicted to house recently. i don't know how it has managed 4 series under my radar, but i am positively obsessed now, with a little crush on hugh laurie too! anyhow, on one of the episodes in season one, the 5 stages of grief were discussed: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. that episode really resonated with me, because it made me pause and consider where i sit at the moment. because i know i need to grieve. i know i need to live through the experience to truly release it, and i know this is something i often struggle with. denial can be so much more comfortable...

looking at those 5 stages i think i've always bounced between denial and bargaining, trying to avoid the anger part where possible. but maybe i do need to get angry. maybe i need to feel the anger in order to move through it?

because i've felt a lot of anger recently. no sooner had we got our bad news, my mother went into a meltdown. for the last 10 days, her moods have been unbearable and each day i would come home during my lunch hour, and after work, to tears and tantrums, smashed plates and food thrown from the table. this continued throughout the days, and work became a welcome escape from home. it all came to a head on tuesday, and my anger erupted. it felt cathartic but was ugly. and it made me wonder if maybe my anger wasn't all because of her...

so now i sit in the quiet that comes after a storm: where the sense of foreboding has gone, but you are left with a fragile peace. as nature begins to heal herself gently and quietly. and i think that is where i am too: trying to heal myself gently and quietly.