my word for this year was foundations and, as the year draws to a close, i've found myself thinking a lot about what i have done to lay those foundations i was craving. it would be easy to list the failures and missed opportunities. the good intentions that never matured. the friendships lost and the days wasted procrastinating. it would be easy to be critical and wallow in self pity, to flagellate myself and pine for those moments gone forever... isn't it ironic how much easier it is to dislike yourself? to see your flaws, and judge yourself negatively? how harsh words can spill out effortlessly, yet to consider your strengths and achievements could make you pause uncomfortably: not because you're modest, but because you honestly can't think of anything to say! why is that? i'm not sure, and it would probably take a few years of therapy to uncover my own individual truth, so i'm just going to skip ahead...
it's been going on too long, and i've spent most my life always wanting to be like someone else. someone more stylish, more bohemian, more talented. skinnier, healthier, more creative. i wanted to be like sarah and cb at school: smart, pretty and popular with the boys. i wanted to be able to talk about literature like evanne, or dance like helen. i wanted to be a writer like justine, and funny like laura... i've just wanted to be something more than myself.
and so, all this time i've been looking outside myself, i never took the time to see what is within. and, so long as i was always looking for what i did not have, i never stopped to consider what i do have. it might seem so obvious, but then the simple truths often are... to quote megg's great blog title, i didn't consider maybe there was more to me.
so today, as one year draws to a close and another one lies just over the horizon, i am finishing off the foundations. i am going to spend the remaining days of december, exploring who i am and celebrating what i have to be proud of. i am going to embrace myself. trust and have faith that i too am someone i would want to be like.
5 comments:
You.are.enough xx
alleluia, sister*
warmly,
gem
Oh. My. Goodness.
Does this ever ring a bell.
You are someone I would want to be like, ironically. Good for you for also being someone YOU want to be like.
Now, I am going to be more like you, and see myself as someone I want to be like too.
That was convoluted - but true.
Thanks for the beautiful honesty and inspiration.
"Isn't it ironic how much easier it is to dislike yourself? to see your flaws, and judge yourself negatively? how harsh words can spill out effortlessly, yet to consider your strengths and achievements could make you pause uncomfortably: not because you're modest, but because you honestly can't think of anything to say!"
100 times yes! This whole post resonated so deeply with me. I am constantly wanting to be more than what I already am, or think that I am. But everyone does. We all aren't enough for ourselves. All of those people we admire, think the same negative thoughts. And somewhere, they are sitting down, wishing they could be more perfect like you dear Pen. I know I am.
I admire you so!!
xox
I think this is so true for all of us, and also we never really see how others see us. So this is how I see you.. I think you are supremely beautiful, I think you have the most amazing sense of style (those red boots ROCK!!) I think you are unbelievable creatively talented and your photos always make me cry with their sheer beauty. I think you are the greatest friend a girl could ask for, you're incredible fun to be with. You are the first person I want to talk to when I'm upset, or when I have great news to share. You are fantastically empathetic and always so enthusiastic that you always brighten my day. My dear Pen, I love you to pieces and you are truly FABULOUS!!!
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