it appears my mother did have another minor stroke.
her CT scan indicated there was a new bleed in the same region as her last stroke which would have caused the sudden confusion.
but i went and saw her this morning and she looks remarkably well.
even her memory seems somewhat restored, and she can focus and conceptualise things which were completely foreign to her yesterday.
i haven't had a chance to speak with a doctor yet, but i wouldn't have thought they would keep her in much longer if she continues like this.
relieved? of course.
but i also have such mixed feelings.
i love my mother.
she gave me life, and nothing can obviously compare to that great gift.
but over the last few years i have felt weighted down by the obligation which comes with being her daughter.
i can barely write the words here for fear of vitriolic judgement,
but i need to come up for air, release this baggage, just to breathe again.
i am in my ninth year of marriage, and my mother has lived with us for the last 5 of them. i would be lying if i didn't say there are days when i worry that the best years of my life (and marriage) will be over before i am able to live the life i want.
fuck, how selfish does that sound?
but it's the truth.
my poor mother has suffered 3 strokes in the last 3 years, each making her more debilitated than the last. as a result we have had to adjust our lives accordingly: living in accommodation suitable for her needs, working hours which compliment her care requirements. we cannot leave her alone for longer than a working day or without preparing all her meals and, up until last month, we hadn't had a night away from her alone as a couple, for over 3 years!
most of the time this has been done without thought.
she's my mother, she loved and nurtured me, and i would never abandon her at her hour of need. and i am lucky, lucky to have married a man who feels the same way; and has taken this unexpected turn in our life gracefully and willingly.
but there are days when i quietly wish things were different.
mornings i wish i could stay in bed without getting up to make her breakfast. days when i wish we could just hop in the car with the dogs and go to the seaside without worrying about how she will cope home alone. nights i wish we could have noisy, sweaty sex without care and abandonment!
in many ways our lives now is how i imagine it might be for those with children. except that she's not our child. she's my mother. and worst yet, most of the time she doesn't want to be here.
there is so much unresolved, unspoken, deep and dark emotions here, i think i am afraid to explore them in case the floodgates open and i can't shut them again. but for now, as i anticipate bringing her home today, i am mixed with relief and sadness ~ an uncomfortable combination which i'm not sure what to do with.
so i will just carry on as we have always done.
with a smile, and love, and hope that tomorrow will be a good day for us all.
20 comments:
please please go to your social work department and see if there is any respite care that you can access.
no judgment. it sounds like a very difficult situation you are in, but you are doing the right thing by taking care of her as she took care of you. like the previous poster mentioned, you should check out different resources and see if there is some help out there you can get. it could help relieve some of the stress of it all and help you all deal with the wealth of emotions that come with such a responsibility.
thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Caretaking is HARD work. It is even harder emotional work. I second the above poster who suggested you look into respite care for help - the hospital your mother is being treated in should be able to help you with options for maybe a part-time caretaker or student-intern support. I also suggest that you speak to the hospital about support groups for caretakers. It could so valuable for you to have some emotional support, beyond that your husband can provide, from others who know what you're going through...
Take care, and good luck to you all of you.
Just wanted to send you some {{HUGS}}.
i love you.
everything I am trying to write sounds trite, but know I love you and support you completely.
xo
~the words that you write, the feelings you have held within are true and honest feelings...no one can pass judgement on such...caring for another, opening your home, exposing your life up to others, placing your life on hold is one of the hardest choices one can make...your heart is pure in where you are coming from and what you are and have been doing...selfishness you can and may seek...it is normal...we all need that time...we have in many ways shared with you in the same...my parents lived with us only after 2 months of being married and buying our first home...that time without was beautiful and then they moved in and all changed...i longed for them to be gone...yet wanted to help in way we could...and in time they did move out...then this past 2 years my fatherinlaw became ill, cancer and again we put all on hold to be and care and embrace each minute with him...so many days i was left exhausted as i was the main one who cared for him, i wanted to throw in the rag and say i could do no more...but each day i pushed through...he passed this summer and slowly seven months later life is starting all over for us...as a family in our home...life is not an easy road to walk...but the love you have for your mother you will never regret later on...blessed are you to have another by yourside who stands with you and allows your mother to be cared for by you...there is many who could help as others have suggested...i know its hard to let go...feelings of responsibility or obligation but it is ok to have time for yourself and your loved one...as you nuture her you both need to be nutured too...my heart aches for you...i am sorry for your mothers stroke and hope in this year that her health remains strong and healthy and that you may find peace within...sorry for such a long winded words...brightest blessings~
no judgement here as I am in a similar situation. I am an only child and my mother's health has declined so much in the past couple of years that she cannot be left alone. my father is the primary caregiver and I see what it is doing to him. we have respite care come in twice a week for him to have a break. then twice a week she goes to a day program. I am wondering if there is anything available like that for you. please, please do not apologize for any thoughts. it is the hardest thing ever to be truthful, but it is necessary in self care. I totally understand your feelings. I try to be positive for the whole family and some days I just want to scream! I make time for myself to do whatever I want. exercise, artwork, sleep and I encourage you to find a way to have some relief. take care. hugs. ciao!
if your mum passed on the awesomeness that i see in you, i know she would understand all of this that you are feeling.
you are doing an amazing giving thing by caring for her - and nothing could be further from selfish.
love you beautiful xxx
and, in turn, the smile, the love and the hopes that today will be a good one is being offered to you. you are not alone and i, for one, am here to listen to all of it.
i didn't think it was possible to love you even more...and now i do.
so much love. lisa
You are human and I have felt the same ways at times and my Mom does not even live with us, I just feel more responsible for her and my Mother in law since my Dad and father - in laws death. I am glad to help but some days I am resentful of the intrusion on my life. You are blessed with a mate who is understanding and willing to help and that is a great gift. Sending you and yours best wishes during this time.
honey, i'm really feeling you right now from here and wishing there was more i could do for you than offer you some words of comfort. something practical and useful - some way to ease your burden, remove a little of the load.
know that i will come see you anytime and talk (or not) about whatever.
love you like crazy. so great to meet your gorgeous hunky man last week and i know that the two (three) of you will work this all out and make some sense of the craziness of it all
xxx
-leonie
Hi - I have read you for a while but not commented until now. I want you to know that as a person in a similar situation with my mother, I completely understand your moments of frustration with the obligation that sometimes comes with caring for our parents. Just know that you are doing everything you can. You cannot fix everything. It's okay to feel frustrated and overwhelmed. I wish I could do what you do for your Mom. What you do for her is admirable. You are taking care of your Mom. That is the most important thing.
How can anyone judge you for speaking from your heart? The nurse in me tells me you have taken on quite a large and painful challenge. It's difficult, too, when the loved one whose care we devote so much of ourselves to seems unaware or unappreciative of our sacrifice. Know that the hurtful things she sometimes says is the illness speaking.
I wonder, could you get some sort of respite? Here in Canada, families in your situation get a break when their loved one goes to a nursing home for a week or two of respite. It sounds like an unpleasant option, but remember that you have needs which must be met before you can begin to care for another. It is never selfish to think of what you need, to want a break. You are not a machine, neither is you wonderful man.
I admire you, and envy you in a way. My parents are ailing (father had a stroke 11/09) and live far away from me. I did travel there, thinking I could nurse my father thru to rehab. It basically broke me wide open ~ I returned home so stressed and sick that it cost me a week in the hospital.
Grab hold of the fact that you are doing your very best, that you are doing everything you can, for your mum. And, please, look after yourselves. Caregiver burnout is all too common.
I wish you the poise and strength and courage to continue.
ps ~ ensuring the family has adequate resources to cope should be part of your mum's hospital discharge planning. Tell them how you feel. Ask for assistance.
It's really tough to have to take care of someone, even if it's your own Mum(seen how tough it's been for my folks). Nobody's perfect, and it's both physically exhausting and emotionally draining. So don't be too hard on yourself. Tc.
{{hugs}} Caregiving is hard especially when it is a parent who is becoming more dependent rather than a child who is growing toward independence. It is wonderful that you are doing this for her.
Reading your words, I was reminded of a piece in Brené Brown's podcasts on her Book "I thought it was just me." She talked about how one of the deepest shame areas is for people caring for an elderly/ill family member. We can simultaneously think "I love you more than anything" and "I wish you would die and free my life." By voicing how you feel, you are bring light into your feelings and taking power away from shame.
I am not in such a situation, although I just moved my mother half way across the country to be closer to us and I felt/feel the weight of that responsibility. I fear hearing the phone ring at odd hours - her calling because she needs me - and I feel guilty for immediately considering how such a call would inconvenience me. And you are spot on about the child/parent parallel: our children are dependent upon us, but each day they grow more independent (and that is our task). A parent goes in reverse: independent, they become dependent BUT they don't want to believe this is so!
I hope you will feel safe to voice what is happening for you because it will heal not only you, but others struggling with this reality.
hugs & blessings to you
lis
Penny, you are a human being and caring for an elderly parent is a huge challenge. I agree with M's comment about respite care, if your Mum agrees, respite care will provide both you and your husband some much needed rest time. It doesn't mean that you have failed in your care of her, it means rest and the opportunity to focus upon your own needs and marriage. And that isn't selfish. Your marriage is equally important.
Carol
I don't know what to write that could possibly help you in this difficult situation... but I have grown up sharing care of my chronically ill mother with my younger brother, and, although I have nothing to add to the wonderful responses left by previous posters (except that, as they said, please see if there's any help you can get. As young carers there was help we were entitled to, there must be something for you too. You deserve something to to help it be that little less hard!), I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and praying that your situation becomes easier to live with.
you are amazing and sweet and soooo lovable and caring. i am in awe of you strength.
i know how difficult it is.
i love you to the moon and back xx
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about! Care giving is one of THE most stressful and demanding responsibilities a person can take on. When care giving for a parent
(my mom's got dementia), all kinds of thoughts and feelings come up...things from the present and unresolved issues from the past. It's complicated and so hard. The fact that you do it willingly, with love and a smile is amazing. I hope you find a way to give yourself and your husband some time for yourselves and each other. Remember to take care of yourself too!
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