Thanksgiving

I'm a day out, but it seemed appropriate to ride on the wave of gratitude at the moment for my own post of thanks.  I have a lot for which I am grateful for, and I would like to return to a more intentional practice of daily gratitude again, but that's a whole other post.

I'll be away with work all day tomorrow which also happens to be the third anniversary of my mother's passing.  I can't believe it's been three years already, but at the same time, it feels like so much longer since my mother disappeared from her body.  I read this article today and it made me cry.  Such a poignant truth about life and love, the beauty and the cruelty mixed together - because watching someone we love suffer and die is probably the hardest thing we have to do in life.

I still remember her last evening on earth.  The room was lit only from the light in the hall,  casting a dark orange glow right over my mother, whilst the machine feeding her pumped to a steady rhythm.  Cam was in another room trying to catch a little bit of sleep.  I remember sitting in the armchair, the same one I had been sitting in for the last 16 months when I came to read to her each day, listening to her struggle desperately for each shallow breath.  I remember thinking it felt so different at 3am, when the usually busy corridors were empty,  and the normal hum of activity, silent.  I remember looking at my mother, knowing the end was near, and in some ways, hoping peace and dignity would finally be hers.  I remember wiping blood that would fall from the corner of her mouth every time she would contract, not knowing if it was from pain or just her body slowly shutting down.  I remember repeating Oriah over and over again in my head, "I want to know if you can sit through pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it" like a mantra, knowing that was all I could do.

It was the longest and shortest night of my life. 

But I am so grateful I was able to be there.  I am so grateful that despite all my other failings as a daughter (and I have many) that, in her final hours, my mother knew she wasn't alone.  I am grateful for the life I have which enabled me to visit her daily.  I am grateful for being married to a man who loved my mother like his own.  I am grateful that every day we remember my mother through her little ways and sayings.  And we laugh.  We share memories of her which makes us laugh, because that is how she would want to be remembered.

And most of all, I am grateful to still love and be loved. 

*I made the slideshow above not long after her passing, and the song is Human by The Killers, one of her favourites, and the same song played at her funeral.

Full Moon in Gemini

image from here

I love any opportunity for a new beginning, and although every morning we wake up is effectively one, I do like imbuing certain times and days with more potency.  So a full moon in Gemini (my Sun sign) seems to have a little magic around it, and I'm grabbing that.

New moons are great for setting new intentions, but apparently (so they say) a full moon is equally powerful, particularly if the intention requires a release of some sort as it wanes with the moon.  As such it's a great to time to start a cleanse or a detox, or take action towards letting go of something.

For me, this is nicotine.

I've smoked on and off for most of my adult life now.  I did manage to give up for 6 years - 6 YEARS - but foolishly started again about 4 years ago, and I have been enjoying it ever since.  And that's the hard part.  Yes, it is an addiction.  But I do actually enjoy it.

So I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and trying to break it down.  Chemical effect aside, I wanted to work out what I thought I gained from smoking, and how could I replace that?  Food is not an option.  I think I put on about 5 pounds every time I try and give up, and the thing is - it never actually goes away, even when I start smoking again - so over the years, these have added up!  Food is not an option.

Then it dawned on me.  A big reason I smoke, and what probably makes up a large part of the enjoyment is - it's a break.  It's a reason to stop editing for 5 minutes.  Or, when I'm writing, like now, and I feel a little stuck, it's the pause button.  Roll a cigarette and think about it.

I read this article awhile back, and clearly it had no affect on my resolution (give up smoking), but something about it remained with me, and I dug it out tonight.  "If you want to pull yourself out of the couch of your status quo, you need to be totally impassioned and in love with a new vision for you and your life."

Right now, as much as I love my job, I am in editing hell.  Everyone wants their pictures before Christmas (understandable) but I feel like I am a slave to my computer.  It's especially torturous as, for the first time in what feels like a long time, I am being really drawn to other things, and I feel a new vision for my life.   So I'm thinking, starting tomorrow, every time I have a craving for a cigarette, I will give myself a quick break to do a sketch or work on an idea - anything that takes me a step closer to realising this new vision, no matter how small. Now that's a break that I might just give up smoking for.

Yikes.  I've said it now. 

Knight of Pentacles

All through my school years, particularly in the lead up to my GCSEs, I loved drawing timetables.  Did you ever do that?  I would use a different coloured marker pen for the days, and then different colours again for the subjects.  Sometimes I would carve it up into hourly segments, other times it would simply be blocks of revision time.  Weekends would be particularly intricate (stickers were involved!) and they were basically multi coloured masterpieces.

The thing is, I became so focused on creating The Perfect Timetable, I was forever tweaking it (and with each tweak came a new timetable)  until I probably spent more time planning my GCSE revision than actually doing it!

That's the danger of the Knight of Pentacles.

Because, although all Knights are about action, some react faster than others, and this Knight likes, maybe even enjoys, the preparation - the planning - a little too much.  Such is the need to succeed,  the fear is, nothing short of perfection will do. 

With perfection comes the risk of procrastination though, and I am so guilty of that.  In a bid to be inspired, I have spent hours looking, no, actively searching, for people who might be writing, painting or shooting in interesting ways.  I mean hours.  And these are the same hours I could have been writing, painting and shooting. 

It's a fine line between inspiration and comparison, one being the death knell of creativity.

Pentacles is the suit which represents our earthly existence, our outer self as seen by others, so it can be frightening to let our creative selves be seen without a plan or before we feel it's perfect.  The truth is though, we can never fully plan for the future, and for me, I've yet to write, paint or shoot anything I've thought is perfect.

Lasting success is built on discipline, patience and hard work.  And most of the time we just need to harness the energy of the Knight, find the courage to let go, and hit the publish button.