we are moving next month, and our new landlord kindly invited us to the annual local village breakfast this morning.
held on the heath and set back from the main road,
down a winding path lined by bluebells,
we arrived at a dreamy clearing amongst a copse of trees.
it was a lovely way of gathering the villagers together in times where community is such an undervalued asset.
and, despite the typical grey clouds of a british bank holiday,
laughter mixed with the irresistible smells of sausages and bacon on the charcoal fired bbq...
it was all great except for the fact everyone there seemed so grown up.
with their 2.5 children,
picnic sets straight out of country living magazine,
estate cars and barbour jackets...
cam and i felt a little like we had gate crashed one of my parents parties!
the crazy thing is these people are not that much older than us.
so why did we feel this way?
is it about being parents?
is that the ticket for automatic entry to being a grown up?
will i forever feel immature because we don't (can't) have children?
i don't know.
what i do know however is i just didn't connect with the people there today.
for one reason or another,
perceived or actual,
we were kept very much on the periphery.
and it left us a little melancholic.
initially the self flagellation started.
it's because we're not good enough.
not professional enough.
not wealthy enough.
not grown up enough.
but, having spent some time thinking about it,
i realised that is not why we were feeling despondent.
rather, it's because we realised this was unlikely to be home.
in our eternal search for belonging,
we knew then, it wasn't going to be found here.
and you know what?
that is fine.
because having had the opportunity to peek into their lives today,
i note we live in vastly different worlds.
and, as beautiful as it might be for them,
it's not where i want to be.
and so our journey continues...
what worlds have you peeked into recently?
17 comments:
isn't it interesting what makes us feel grown up? worthy? that we have a right to be here?
the village sounds idyllic, but finding a place of belonging is one of strange twists and turns.
i've spent 5 years and 24,000 miles trying to find that place. and much of my journey has been answering that question: if i am not to parent, then how do i grow up?
i don't have the answer but the journey is very interesting.
sas (unraveller)
Being a parent doesn't mean you're a grown-up, trust me on that one.
I think some people - definitely me - need to be parents to learn certain lessons about loving others, sacrifice, connection. Other people already know them and simply don't need that 'course'.
Others find those lessons elsewhere.
And some people become parents for a whole other set of reasons.
Nice, clear philosophy huh?!
We found ourselves contemplating a move this weekend. I went to look around the area today. Perfect for being closer to all my family, a nicer house...but I wasn't feeling it. It's not right for us. I don't like where we live right now but I'm not going to move for the sake of it. I think we, and you and Cam will know when we find The Place. In the meantime we make home a place not made of bricks.
What a poignant post.
Your place will unfold, when you are not looking.
We moved into a community, quite by accident, that fit us perfectly, and spent 6 wonderful years there.
Then had to move. Others moved on as well. It didn't last forever, but I will always treasure that time of neighbors who came and went, of real connection day to day with people who I'd never have guessed would be so special to me.
You will fit perfectly somewhere where people are creative, compassionate and living authentically. (I wish you guys could move in next door to us!)
I hope you find the home for you too. I can so relate to that not quite "grown up" feeling because you are not a parent. I'm also childless not by choice. You will find people along the way that value you for who you are, not for your ability to reproduce, it can be hard at times!
I love the new look to your blog by the way :-)
Oh Pen
I totally understand what you are saying and I find myself saying that all the time "when I grow up..." whether it is my home, job or with friends.
I think what I do - is look at other people and make assumptions - they look rich, successful or very 'country living' and I forget what my face is doing. They are probably thinking "those people look fun, lively, interesting" I hope they come and talk to us as I hate talking to the same boring people! It's the same as our blogging get together - I looked at some of the other blogs and thought 'what on earth have I got in common' then I met you all and realised, that we had loads in common.
Hey and if they are not interested then it's their loss as you are a beautiful, interesting person whose photography could certainly grace the pages of country living anyday!
I didn't quite mean to write a thesis on your blog Pen! but you don't need a 4x4, hunter wellies and children called isabella and felix to fit in! You just need to be you!
love Emma x x
There is no place like home. It's not anything anyone can categorize, or put a finger on. It's just a place where one is. I hope you find your home soon, and in the meantime you and Cam are home with each other. No matter where. :)
Sometimes, despite being a parent, I don't feel very grown up either :-)
I have glimpsed into that world too and have felt like a fish out of water, my mind preoccupied with different things, different concerns, different needs. I found that it was a world of illusions, that when the surface was scratched, the reality behind that seemingly perfect existence wasn't that perfect at all.
I also think, as was touched upon in some of the previous posts, that you are on a different journey, a creative journey, an authentic journey, a journey that will naturally tell you what fits and what doesn't fit. Which is a good thing!
i just found your site...so beautiful...glad to be here.
Pen,
I am so in love with your blog I can hardly stand it! Will you be my Current Crush featured blogger for June? I would send you a few interview ?'s and feature you on my site, or you could guest post, whichever you prefer. And, of course, I'd be happy to put up a sponsorship ad (for free) for that month as well. What do you think? email me: moi at magpie-girl dot com.
Cheers,
Rachelle
P.s. On behalf of all us breeders, I apologize for all the times we've babbled on endlessly about nappies, temper tantrums, and cute quipps from our kiddos. I'm always hyper-aware when my child-free friends are getting left on the converstaional sidelines. I think you have a lovely grown soul, and I'm happy to peek into it.
big smile....
trust the process my friend. trust the process xx
fortunately you are able to see that where you are living now doesn't support who you are. i'm living in an area similar, in the pacific northwest, on a very small island. it is beautiful and full of money. i don't know many of my neighbors. my family lives in one of two still standing, humble cottages.
we look forward to finding a place that we fit in, although i've come to recognize that i belong anywhere, wherever i am.
i have a child (3mths) and still do not feel grown up. thank you for your post. it helped me to see that the quest for being grown up is sort-of sad. i don't want to finish growing, like the plants and trees outside, i'd rather tap into the rhythm, continuing to shed and prune and grow.
Having a kid doesn't make me feel very grown up at all. There's always "something" that still needs to be accomplished, isn't there? First it was "What are you going to be doing after school?" Then it was "when are you getting married?" followed by "when are you having a kid?" Now there's "when will you stop renting and buy your own house?" I have to admit that I let it get to me sometimes. But then I step back and think, "You know what? My house may be messier that I'd like it to be, my bank account emptier than comfortable, but overall, I like where I am right now."
It's interesting this concept of home, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Best thing someone said: Home is where my books are. This to me means a palce where you feel comfortable. And if you are with someone you love, you can probably find that anywhere.
babe, that's an amazing realisation that you have had... that it is not the place for you and that there is somewhere more right.
thinking of you
x
I´ld have loved sitting there next to you, Pen!
Tomorrow we are going to my sons Rudolf Steiner kindergarden. All families will work together in the garden. When we first came there a year ago to his kindergarden, it felt as though I wished having all of them as friends. I felt at home in that enviroment and among those people!
It is so peaceful to feel as though you belong (and the opposite so frusturating)!!
However... I keep longing for my home. http://www.himla.nu/dream
I love how your blog breath, Pen!
Beautiful, Lovely, Gorgeous Pen!
I remember being delighted at twenty, then again at thirty because I finally felt 'grown up' next year is forty and I'm excited all over again to hopefully, finally feel it permanantly...(and I've been married eighteen years,and have two kids, though I don't own a pic-nic set)
One thing struck me from your post, I think being grown-up is once you have the courage to do what you truly want to, from your soul out...you seem to do that to me.
Hoping you feel at home really soonxxxx
while the village and picnic sound lovely, I agree that you know in an instant where you belong. there is something for you there, even if you are just passing through. consider that you are the teacher here, to show how to live a beautiful life that is unique and spirited and not textbook.
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