Release.

As I sit here, storm Imogen is raging outside. It seems prophetic that on the eve of a new moon and a new year this potent combination of lunar magic should be swirling around with such energy.

Since November I've feel a strong energy of change around me, and since then I've been trying to capture what it means.  Tonight, I drew a card* to lead me into the new year, and it was Aquamarine, the card of release.

It suddenly dawned on me I've been trying too hard to pin these feelings down.  Instead of simply following them with wonder, I've tried to analyse and define them.  I know the next stage of our life is about to begin, and it's one of open adventure.  Open.  Open to opportunities.  Open to experiences. Open to fear.  Open to joy.   Open to living presently, wholly and fully.

What I've been craving these last few years is simply to follow my heart and be open to how it unfolds.  To relinquish worry, to release control, to surrender to the Universe, and trust that with an open heart it will lead me exactly where I should be.

* I'm currently working with the Crystal Ally cards.

Page of Cups

image from here

When Cam and I first met, I was the embodiment of the Page of Cups.  After months of self reflection devouring the likes of Conversations with God and The Road Less Travelled I was primed to be my authentic self.  Admittedly there was a fair amount of pot smoking involved which may or may not have heightened these said emotions, but the bottom line is, I was open... to being open.  I was ready to be real, honest and vulnerable.

So, when we fell in love and got married after 4 months, it was like everything in the Universe had aligned to reinforce this strong belief in myself and my intuition.  It was a liberating period and, when I read some of the emails I wrote back then, not just what Cam and I wrote to each other, but emails I actually wrote to his parents and my parents - it's like they were written with no filter. Just raw emotion spilled on the page.  I blush reading them now, can't quite believing I wrote so freely.  But I also miss knowing that freedom.  Of being able to just put it out there without fear of judgement or ridicule.

But then something, or some things must have happened. 

Maybe it was the fifth time I knew I was pregnant and then realised I wasn't.  Maybe it was when I heard that my oldest childhood friend had initiated a conversation to question the credibility of my marriage, and no one defended us.  Maybe it was the fact none of my girlfriends cared about my Invitation to them.  Maybe it was just life got busy.

All I know is it became harder to take emotional risks.  Harder to trust myself and others.  I guess a catalogue of heartaches, humiliations, shame - all that sticky stuff - can build up and get in the way.  So it's been a real exercise of release this last week,  as I went through my old journals - celebrating the good things and letting go of the bad. Literally and figuratively dredging my emotional waterways, to allow the water to flow freely again.

The Page of Cups heralds a turning point on the emotional landscape. It's about following the path of the heart.  About sharing feelings and making connections.  It's trusting the power of intuition and, drawing the Page of Cups yesterday, is confirmation I am returning to that person again.