"What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?"
- Oriah
it dawned on me tonight that i am not very *present*. i started noticing that there is a lot of talk about 'who am i?' and this voyage of discovery, but very little action. most evenings i would come to sit at the computer expectantly, hoping that tonight the stork of inspiration would fly by and drop off the delivery i needed. it was as if: okay, i made this declaration, so where is it? what's next? i don't think i even knew what i was waiting for... me, supposedly! but each night i would draw a blank.
i started panicking a little. after all it is a sad state of affairs when you seemingly have n o t h i n g to say. thankfully tonight i had an a-ha moment. suddenly i could see that in expectantly waiting for something, i was missing the very essence of what i was looking for. life. today. i realise now i have been missing out on life right before my eyes. i was waiting, wanting to be transformed into someone else, as opposed to looking at the person i really am. the roles that i accept in life, are the parts of me that make the whole: the good, the bad. it's all there. it's all being played out every day, every moment, with every choice. each day i have the opportunity to discover who i am.
i am unhappy at work right now. each day all i can think about from the moment i wake up, is the moment i am home again. that is 12 hours of my day i have been wishing away. lost. gone for good. so tomorrow i am going to wake up with new eyes. i am going to find a new way to enjoy work again because 12 hours of life is too precious to be wasted. i am going to be present in my day, in my interactions, in my role - and see who i am at work.
3 comments:
Pen - very good plan! A couple of comments/questions....
A few posts back you had a beautiful photo of you and your Mom at CNY. I wrote a long post to you and then, as it sometimes happens, managed to hit something and send it into outer space, but with this post today I think of that one again.
I think Moms' lives are never long enough and that they expect less from us than we expect that they expect from us. My mother, gone now, was always my best friend until I did something she really didn't like and then a great divide (in my mind anyway) grew between us. The big thing was my divorce from someone who she "didn't think was so bad..." Anyway, I probably created the divide more than she at a time when she probably needed me more than ever - in her older years. So as a far away, who cares what I say anyway stranger, to you I wish you feel the moments with your mother even if they aren't always exactly how you would have them be.
You seem to have started wonderful, supportive blog relationships with some terrific younger women bloggers and they can pick up those needs that you might have hoped your mom would have felt. I have a grown daughter too, in fact several of them and I hope that I do more than alienate them but as you can tell I am opinionated and hope they will share the moments, live in the present and continue to love me in spite of my opinions.
I don't expect YOU to love me but a little advice from strangers doesn't always hurt (or even matter).
Now, if you've dragged through this blather - the final question statement/question is - I know you have a Westie - I would love a shot of him to feature on my doggie's website - http://rileyfactorfiction.blogspot.com
If you decide that would be possible, you could send a photo to diannawoolley@mac.com
The photo on your post today is darling, but a little closer up would be divine:) blah, blah, blah
Thanks for listening!!
I soooooo know how that feels.. is there anything worse than being in a job that does not fulfill you! Remember that everything you're doing *outside* of the job, the blogs, the photography, the course... is one step closer to another way to make a living... think of the job as a training ground... what can you learn from the day to day work that will help you when you start on your own? you'll get there sweetness xxx
Yes, I know this feeling too. Especially when I come sit down at my computer to write. Sometimes I can spend all day waiting to get home and write, writing affirming brilliant posts in my head, and then I get here and have nothing to say. It's frustrating. I find that just beginning leads me somewhere, and even if it's inarticulate nonsense, it's SOMETHING.
I think this quest your on is truly beautiful and I know you'll create beautiful things upon it.
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