{stepping out}

it's the first full moon of the new year and so i thought i would draw a tarot card for inspiration, as i sat to think about my dreamboard for this month.

i picked the three of cups and, i have to admit, i was initially a little disappointed, as the meaning of the card wasn't immediately apparent to me...

the threes in a suit tend to relate to the initial successes of creative expression. it's a card of fulfilment; and the three of cups in particular talks of friendships and its joys.

so i sat and meditated on the message the card might have for me how it might relate to my desires for 2010... i was confused. but then it hit me.

i was lucky enough to have started this year in the company of some extraordinary women. it was a power full weekend where the energy was palpable and i still look back in awe at being part of the experience.

and there is a particular moment which sticks in my mind; when dear lisa and i were tucked in the corner doing a tarot reading. sas had left a notebook in the nook where she invited us to write freely as we are called to. so, after the reading, lisa and i leafed through it and found one of sweet leonie's hair tingling, heart moving, poems. as always, i was in awe, and acknowledged out loud to lisa how incredible i thought leonie was. lisa nodded in agreement and said, "but so are you. that is why you are here."

i don't recall how i responded. but i assume with my usual, slightly awkward and embarassed laugh, and possibly even a quiet thank you. but those words have been dancing around me ever since.

because it is hard for me. so very hard to feel that i am an equal in the company of these women. they ooze talent, inspiration, originality, wisdom, style, wit, creativity... from every pore, and i feel so... so ordinary by comparison.

but this card is telling me it's time to step up to the table and take my seat. to believe in my own worth and enjoy the magic that comes from the union of like minded souls. jamie asks "what is your heart yearning for? what is stirring in your heart and soul? what is ready to come into your life, here under the full moon?" and this is it. i am ready to believe in my own worth, and embrace the hand of friendship these wonderful women have reached out to me. i am ready to be me, and believe i bring something to the table too. i am ready to step outside of my own shadow, and howl my desire to the moon.

what's your yearning?

{about a friend}

a recent post by jesh de rox really struck at the heart strings.
the last few years have been transformational for me in many ways.
and it hasn't been without its casualties.
in my quiet moments i often reflect on the friendships that have been lost on the journey,
gently questioning my personal role in its demise...

a wise friend once told me our lives would be visted by people for a reason, season, or a lifetime.
and, although hard to let go of at times,
certain friendships are meant to be passing.

this post by jesh made me revisit those friends from days gone by.
initially i wanted to mail them,
to let them know...
to share these words with them.

but time has moved on,
and so have i.

so instead,
today i acknowledge the wonderful people who played a part in my heart.
although we have gone our seperate ways,
i thank you for all that you are,
and all that you were to me.

{developing friends}

when i first started blogging (which is really not that long ago at all) one of my hopes was to reach out and connect with other women. i had admired friendships which were seemingly formed over these invisible lands and i wished for something similar myself.

yesterday my wish was answered and i found myself in a new city, meeting new women, forging new friendships.
i won't lie. i was a bag of nerves. there were women there whose blogs i have admired for some time, and now i was going to meet them. my inner critic was having a field day!

but i was immediately put at ease by meeting leonie en route.
she has the most open face and, when you talk and she looks at you, her eyes are affirming everything you say. letting you know she is listening. showing she is interested... oh it was a great start!

so we got to starbucks first, although it wasn't long before we were joined by emma, wearing the most beautiful floral dress (my alter-ego wanted to steal it!). emma doesn't have any up-close pictures of herself online, so i didn't really what she looked like. but my, she's pretty - and a mum of two boys! again, we effortlessly slid into casual conversation, giving each other the space to talk, sharing a little about who we are and how we got to be there.

finally, after about 15 minutes maybe, susannah, meg and jo arrived. there was a lot of hugging as we said hello to each other, and then - as if it was the most natural thing in the world - conversation, caffeine, laughter... it all just flowed.

susannah is every bit as amazing as i expected her to be. having recently completed her unravelling e-course and seeing her videos online, i had some idea of how she might be. but she was even more beautiful in person - namely because she has the most wicked sense of humour! just fabulous.

meg is gentle, warm and funny. with her soft canadian accent, she just has the most unassuming way about her and draws you right in. oh and did i mention she is the most photogenic woman i've met in a long time! i absolutely adored her.

and jo. well, what a wise woman. always ready with something affirming or positive to say. always with a smile on her face. and again - very funny! i am loving these funny women. there is nothing that beats a day of laughter. nothing.

and that was pretty much how the day continued. we shared stories together, and managed to grab brief moments individually. the sun came out and bath reflected the promise and beauty we all found in each other.

like the polaroid above, it felt like an emerging picture - the lines of friendship were developing and i am so excited to see how it turns out.

{kindred spirits}

when i first started blogging, i had a very clear intention: i was reaching out. inspired by a community of women i saw drawn together through their blogs, i wanted a little bit of that for myself. initially i tried to gatecrash their party but, although i was greeted warmly, the reality is i was never really invited. it didn't deter me from blogging however and i would come back to it intermittently wondering where and how i fitted in...

tonight, as i was reading through some of the recent blog posts from the artists way blog group i am part of ~ it hit me ~ these are some {amazing} women. without being aware of it, i had invited and been invited into a community of love, support and, most of all: inspiration.

although every single woman has inspired me and supported me in one way or another, it was nelly's post that got me thinking...

her sincerity and openess resonated with me, and reading her post made me feel less alone. it hit me for the first time how truly powerful sharing a journey can be. and i felt how supported we are in this community, where we are held by one another in a shared journey to nourish our hidden, hurt, broken, insecure, hopeful, beautiful, determined selves back to shine. reading nelly's words, i could {hear} her and i knew in that moment that she would hear me too. that is such a powerful thing. (not to mention how this post just blew me away)

again, not taking anything away from the other awesome women, i just wanted to say lillyrose ~ you rock! here is a woman who never fails to remind me of my soul's dream to be a writer (through leading by example). not only is her blog a treasure trove to any aspiring writer; but the woman behind the words is utterly inspiring. she exudes determination, commitment and compassion. she is funny. she is honest. i respect her. i admire her. and i believe a genuine friendship is evolving from this journey we are sharing together...

tonight i am feeling the abundance i have through my online existance. i am marinating in the utter yumminess of women i have encountered. and not by trying, but just through being. bliss.

{soul sister}

i don’t have a sister but i have a feeling the day i spent with hels was pretty damn close to how the good times must feel: to have someone to share your time with, who hears you, sees you and cares about you. someone you feel completely at ease with: with whom you can spill your raw vulnerabilities, without fear of being judged or criticised, but just to be heard. to only feel supported and understood. someone you can be silly with, laugh with. someone you can share your passions with. someone who gets you... yeah, she is a blessing in my life!

sometime ago, when i was living alone, i remember asking myself: if i had a crisis, out of all the friends i had, who could i count on to be there. who did i feel would find a way to be with me in my hour of need? sadly at the time, despite having some good friends, no one came to mind. i had friends i knew would prioritise me and get to me eventually, but there was no one i felt i could count on, depend on, in an emergency...

with helen however, i know i have a true friend here. i hope i never have the need to, but i also know that if i did need her in an emergency, she would be there. this is a rare find now. in a world where time is money, where we’re so stretched to survive, that it is hard to look beyond the self: i have a friend with a big, open heart. who, despite having her own trials and tribulations of life to deal with: is always there for another.

in the last year, she has become an intrinsic part of my life. sharing with me some my deepest dreams and hopes. comforting me in some of my darkest moments. she inspires me to be real. to peel back the layers and be myself, because she leads by example: i love to watch her dance, because she truly dances like nobody is watching, and is gorgeous as a result. i admire the way she creates fearlessly, and how she makes it look so fun! i think she is amazing for coming through a long and crippling illness with more joy and insight than anger and bitterness... most of all, she personifies the real beauty of friendship and i feel so lucky to have her in my life.

so, armed with inspiration from the dancing mermaid, we painted and planted some rocks in a local park... see pics here.

{to an absent friend}

today my mother got in touch with a friend she hasn't spoken to in over 7 years. and it made me think of you. they stopped speaking after an argument all that time ago and realised today how much they had missed each other. i wonder if you ever miss me? i know for a long time i grieved our friendship. i still do sometimes. i have moments of longing, as i've never found the same connection with anyone else since. and i miss that. i miss you.

i sat here tonight, contemplating writing to you, and wondered what i would say. i wondered whether we would ever get over the hurt we caused each other. would we talk about it? should we talk about it? why didn't we talk about it?

i wondered whether i could genuinely ever forgive you for not reaching out to me when my father died. why you couldn't put our petty differences aside to let me know that you were thinking of me at a time i so desperately needed a real friend. i wondered if that meant you were never real.

i wondered whether i actually missed you, or if instead i missed what i thought we had. i wondered what exactly did we have that could be so easily shattered and irrevocably broken?

i made instant coffee for the first time in a long time tonight. and it made me think of you. you always told me i made the best coffee. but then in the later years of our friendship, you moved on to the healthier option of roobosh tea - maybe our friendship got left behind then? maybe it was over before it actually ended. like a lot of relationships: maybe we were already holding onto the threads of what it once was.

you were the best friend anyone could have wanted when i was lost and insecure. you were my anchor. my safe harbour for many years. you were my sanity. my comforter. i will never forget that and i will be eternally grateful for those years when you were so much more than a friend. you were my family.

even when i found my own feet and later my husband, you were there. i will never forget how you and your husband helped make cam's first date to oxford so memorable. how you helped me light the hundred candles in my flat and how your husband dressed up to play chauffeur and pick cam from the train station on what was your anniversary. i will never forget coming home after our wedding and finding rose petals scattered all around the house and a beautiful note welcoming us as a married couple. you were the only person i cried about leaving behind when we went on our extended honeymoon. and you were the first person i wanted to see when we got home...

so where did it all go wrong? time has clouded both my judgement and my memory. i attempted re-reading some of the emails we exchanged in the dying days of our friendship but they seemed trivial and petty. i couldn't really believe all that was washed away on the basis of some thoughtless words.

but the reality shows that it was. is friendship really so fragile? so delicate that a few careless words can unravel years of time, emotion and love? or was it just ours? i'm still not convinced. i still want to believe it was because of what wasn't said. because what was said doesn't seem important enough to have carried the weight of all that it took with it. and so maybe that is what i would ask you. why did you really walk away from us? was our friendship really so worthless, that you couldn't be bothered to stay and fight it out?

but i won't send this email or write this letter because i don't know if there is the strength in my heart. i don't know if i can cope with your vitriolic judgement or worse yet, your rejection if you don't even bother to respond. and what if you do? then i don't know if i can cope with what that might carry with it. maybe the wound hasn't healed. or maybe it has healed too completely. maybe i just wanted you to know that i do remember the best of you. and occasionally, just occasionally now, there are days like today when i still think of you.

{scrappin fun}

it's true! it does work!

following my last post on friendships i have been a lot more aware of the relationships in my life and making a conscious decision to focus on all the good and positive things i wish to continue manifesting and attracting.
and what have i been experiencing? exactly that!

i have just had the most wonderful day (if you can ignore the last 2 hours i spent on the phone with virgin trying to get my blasted broadband to work! honestly it is a travesty considering the amount we are paying each month! i'm sorry, i just have to interrupt this otherwise fluffy post on the joys of friendship, with a little rant about virgin. 2 hours!!! i suppose i should be glad the lovely indian chap was tenacious enough to see me through to the bitter end. but i did miss the apprentice!)

but back to good stuff though...
darling fabulous scrapsy.
we've been planning a creative day out for some time now and when i texted sarah to firm up the details yesterday, all she said was: "i'll pick you up at 11... for a magical mystery tour"
how cool is that?
how cool is it that i have a friend who would think to do something like that? for me!

well it was great. we were like thelma and louise in a... smart car! ha ha.

our first stop was the fantastically named snazzy bear.
it was great being amongst all that scrappy yumminess.
it immediately reignited the desire to scrap ~ particularly now ~ with all the photographs i am taking: they are far too pretty to be left sitting on a hard drive!

lunch stop was a pub called sally's pussey.
i know! what sort of name is that?
but the actual place was surprisingly wholesame.
the fact their food was delicious and portions generous didn't hurt either!

final stop was paper arts in stroud.
the countryside alone made that journey perfect. but the shopping was pretty good too! of course i spent far more than i should, but the inspiration is priceless!

in fact the whole day was priceless.
we chatted and laughed. it was effortless. relaxing. and hugely enjoyable.
sarah really enthuses me about scrapping. when i am with her i have wild fantasies of a sisterhood crop: where we can get together with other like minded women and share time, stories and creativity. be real. be supported. and have fun!

helen has already shown an interest... so come on scrapsy, lets do it soon!!

in the meantime, thank you dear friend for taking me out on such a fantabulous day.
just when i was reaching out for some signs of true friendships ~ you answered my call.

{friendships}

do you believe in the law of attraction?
i do.
unfortunately i keep forgetting to apply it!

infact, far too often i find myself lamenting about all the things i don't want.
which only, if you believe in the secret, gives it more power!
so when i had an a-ha moment today and realised how my self identity is inextricably tied up with all of it ~
well it was a pretty good incentive to spur me into action! (which in this first instance, is to find some way of processing what i am thinking and feeling, into writing)

authentic.
i had a dear, dear friend dave, who used to go on about authenticity.
to the point i think he put me off the word for a good while!
however it's always been there, at the back of my mind.
and today it's flashing in neon lights right before me.

for a long time now i have been a facade of my true self.
i spend time with people who know very little about who i am today because frankly i don't think they are very interested... and i haven't shared.

whether they are not interested because i haven’t shared or i haven’t shared because they are not interested, who knows ~ the point of fact is that neither party cared enough to do anything about it.

it is no wonder i have been craving a connection and looking for something out here in the blogging community.

however in my blinded focus on what i didn't want and didn't have ~ i didn't see the wonderful friendships that i did have right before me. i have been so busy looking for something i didn't have, i never stopped to see what i did.

like, the pink angel in my life. who is soft and fluffy. who shares a passion and interest in creativity and photography. who has a kind heart that is open and full of light and goodness. who isn't afraid to share and be raw. who is honest.

or the gorgeous and smart writer ~ who devours literature and quotes the dalai lama. who is strong and vulnerable and shows that the two can sit comfortably side by side. who i know listens because she is insightful. who is sexy because she is real.

and the new women i am hoping to grow wonderful friendships with ~ like the young american who writes from the soul of wisdom. who gives so enthusiastically and willingly, her spirit spills across the distance. who has one of the most beautiful ways of looking at the world: with her truth.

and the stoical bosnian, whose eyes have seen far too much, yet whose heart is still open. who shares strong family values ~ and understands how difficult and incongruous they are to our lives today. who shares the journey to conception and a quest to find peace inside of ourselves. who is so, so brave. and so, so genuine.

these women are amazing because they are {authentic}
and being in their presence reminds and encourages me to be the same.
these are the people i should be spending my time with. these are the relationships i should be nurturing.

i want substance. {real} conversation. conversations that stretch you: intellectually. emotionally. spiritually.
i want friendships that nourish me. where i feel i can flourish. bloom.
i want to surround myself with women who are kind. strong. beautiful in the essence.
i want honesty. where i know i can count on truth.
i want respect. interest. understanding.
i want people in my life who listen. who care.
i want to be able to cry without feeling embarassed. i want to love with abandonment. i want to be honest with my feelings. i want to BE who i am meant to be. and i think it helps to be with people who want the same things too...

so here i was about to write a post about the friendships i wish to manifest in my life ~ when all along i just had to {see} them.

i feel richer already.