i was having a conversation with one of my clients the other day.
he is a convicted criminal,
with offences of robbery and drugs to name a a few.
like many of the people we work with,
his childhood was poor.
not in poverty,
but poor.
and things didn't come easy.

when C was sentenced to custody at quite a young age,
it unfortunately had the opposite affect on him.
instead of acting as a deterrent,
C decided the risk of getting caught,
versus the reality of prison,
made the odds for the dark side pretty damn appealing.

as the lure of bling bling pulled C deeper and deeper into this new world,
he became accustomed to,
and enjoyed,
the status of wealth.
suddenly he was not only buying whatever his heart desired,
but he was also getting treated with a certain respect he was never given before.

when did we start living in a world where only the symbol of wealth was seen worthy of respect?

when did what you have become the measure of a man?

anyhow,
we sat and talked for well over an hour,
exploring and challenging each others viewpoint on the world.
it was fascinating.
because here i was talking to someone who has lived a life so completely foreign to me,
someone who is speaking of values completely incomprehensible to me,
yet i realised,
someone who shares all the same needs, wants and fears as me.

what we believe is important and,
even moreso,
how we obtain these 'things' is worlds apart;
yet the underlying motivation is the same ~
acceptance, self worth, and love.

for many years i've defaulted to others for acceptance,
because so much of my self worth was invested in it.
i longed for love and,
when i had it,
i wanted to do everything in my power to preserve it.

i am learning now,
to find acceptance within.
this nourishes my soul and,
in turn,
my sense of self.

i still want to do everything in my power to preserve love,
but i know now,
the best way to do that is to be true to myself;
and support cam in all he needs to be true to himself.

on the other hand,
for C,
he believes he needs all the trappings of gold to make him feel worthy;
to others and himself.

with a new family,
he believes he needs to provide them with material abundance,
to show how much he loves them.

i don't know if any of his views have changed as a result of our discussion,
or indeed,
if they ever will.
nor do i justify or condone any of the criminal activities he has been involved in.

but in that hour and a half,
i saw him.
not a criminal,
but a man-child,
so desperately trying to find his place in this world...
like so many of us.

what labels have you shed recently?

postscript: i don't write this to absolve anyone of criminal activity. for every crime committed there are untold victims, as the ramifications of an offence often reaches far beyond the obvious; however one thing i have noticed is something is amiss in the values of our society which is allowing this to happen. i feel what happens out there goes beyond the bad individual and there is something more systemic which, until explored and resolved, will make it a long road to rehabilitation...

{would you save a stranger}

my world view was seriously challenged last night.
there was a short documentary on tv last night questioning: would you save a stranger?
now i don't know why it took me by surprised really.
i work within the criminal justic system.
i have had lengthy conversations with cam on this subject, spurred on either by work, media, or even possibly an eye-witnessed incident.
i often live in fear of this very scenario - both as a victim or a bystander...
but watching it played out on tv, with real people describing their very real experiences made it hit home.

cam has a very strong sense of right and wrong.
i know (and have often feared) if he were ever to witness any such incident where someone was unfairly targeted or in danger of being hurt, he would intervene without a moments hesitation.
in fact our conversations have often revolved around my trying to disuade him from acting too hastily. after all, in this day and age, an intervention could lead to serious - if not fatal - injuries, as this documentary reiterated.

yet, although my very fears were reinforced by watching the programme, with the very dangers i was worried about, played out before me.
i realised more than ever, we - collectively - have to act.
to not intervene, to allow for others to feel they can rule by fear...
well that would be the beginning of the end of a civilised society.

it shocked me to see how in one of the accounts, recounted by the now 16 year old girl, she was brutally attacked in broad daylight on a packed bus and no one intervened.
she was 12 at the time.
she was kicked, jumped on, and repeatedly shouting for help.
yet a bus full of adults did nothing.
it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

i can understand the fear.
the fear of what might happen if you stood up to a gang of seemingly wild youths.
the fear of stepping up or shouting out to someone in uncontrollable rage.
and the fear is very real.
but last night my fear of living in a society ruled by this became more pressing.

i used to believe, so long i was in a public place, i was safe.
because surely, if anything untoward happened, there were people around who would step in and help.
but if they don't step up to help a 12 year old on a bus, what hope do i have?
and that is not the kind of society i want to live in.

so i feel the fear. oh yes i do.
but i will never turn away from it now.
because my world is your world.
and i want you to know if you were in trouble, i would not hesitate to help you.
and i hope you feel the same way about me too.

{comic relief}

it is heart warming to know i live in a country where, in the midst of a recession, people still dig deep into their pockets to give to those less fortunate than themselves.

and there is nothing more humbling than to see how others survive, show love, stand strong, and cope with experiences i couldn't even begin to comprehend.

i forget how ridiculously unfair our world can be.
it angers me how 2 children die every minute in africa from malaria.
it makes me cry watching children scouring through rubbish dumps searching for their next meal.
and my heart breaks seeing images of parents burying their children, and babies being born into a world where their mother died during childbirth... unnecessarily.

how this can happen in a world so rich, where we can afford to pay footballers (yeah, people who kick a ball around) over £120,000 a week; or where basketball stars can earn up to £250,000 a week... that's A WEEK.
yeah, i'm feeling a little angry...

but tonight i also feel more blessed, more loved, and more grateful for the life i have. and i appreciate what a privilege it is to be able to donate money which, although i know alone doesn't solve the huge injustices out there, is some small contribution i can make for now.

and i am also left in awe.
the human spirit never ceases to astound me and, on evenings like this, when you peel away some of the cynicism about these kind of events: the light shines bright.

to find out more about comic relief, click here.

{bird on my shoulder}

today is truly the first day of the rest of my life.
and i thought i would feel different: i thought i would be skipping through the streets, hugging strangers, exclaiming loudly the wonderful virtues of life... instead, as i walked down the corridors of the hospital, i felt myself having to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall through.

it was a confused and complicated mixture of both sadness and joy. something i am still struggling to decipher now. suffice to say, i was not the elated bunny i had visualised, but instead a deeper, stronger emotion took over...

i went for a mammogram today.
the months/weeks/days leading up to this have been quietly torturous. not wanting to worry those i love, or fuel my own anxieties, i had some lonely moments where awful and fearful thoughts would consume me. even though the doctor had said she wasn't overly concerned, even though i am all about practicising positive thinking and visualisation: there was no escaping that breast cancer is a number one killer. it is something serious and real. and indiscriminate. and that i, like any other woman, was not immune to it.

ironically those dark thoughts were the same ones that opened my eyes to a whole new way of being. the fear lit a light: made me see what it was i feared losing. and it wasn't the bottom line in my bank account or my job description. it wasn't the perfect body or my dream home. in fact it wasn't anything i can really describe...

but it is the essence of my life. everything that makes me get up each morning and thank the Universe for another chance to experience this magic. it is understanding that each moment i have to share with my husband is precious. it is being aware each interaction i have with someone is meaningful. and it is knowing how every minute i choose to spend my time is important. because it is all i have. tomorrow is a luxury we cannot bank on.

i read somewhere that buddhist monks wake up each morning to an imaginary bird on their shoulder who reminds them of their mortality, asking: "is today the day that I die? am i ready? am i living the life i want to live? am i being the person i want to be?" it may sound a little morbid, but for me it was this awareness of death that made me truly start living. and i am thankful beyond words that i have another day to put it to good practice.