if you could do ANYTHING in the world for a living;
where money, experience, age, knowledge, time, skill, etc, etc, etc,
is no obstacle, what would you want to do?

despite being overwhelmed by the kind comments on my dear fear post (thank you);
suddenly, after telling fear to fuck off,
i came to an eerie standstill.

it was as if now i didn't have fear standing in the way,
i didn't know which way to go ~
or even where i wanted to go!

even when i started writing this post, it was filled with all sorts of reasons about why i had these feelings of inadequacy and insecurities... until i realised these are merely the origins for some of the less favourable stories i may tell myself; but they still don't answer the pertinent question:
without these layers of inhibition, who am i?

i feel like a reluctant life model about to drop her robe for the first time,
and i am really struggling with this.

but i know if i could do anything,
where failure, ego and fear don't exist,
i would spend my days creating ~
designing with words, imagery and a sprinkling of magic.

and i know if i felt no fear,
i wouldn't worry about how old i am,
or the fact i could be rejected,
and i would fill in that application and get on the foundation course.
yes, if i told fear to fuck off,
that's what i would do.

{intergrowth}

i think that's my word for 2010.

i first came across this idea on ali edward's blog,
and immediately fell in love with the concept.
this is actually something i know i can carry through for the year.
a whisper in the wind which will return me to my path where i might occasionally drift off ~
diverted by fear or distraction.

and it's something i can't fail at.
it's not a resolution to do,
something i will be measured by,
or be judged on.
it's not something i have to achieve,
or even demonstrate.

rather, it's a quiet choice,
an invitation to the universe to provide me with the intention bestowed in the word.

earlier in the month i had been thinking about my word for the forthcoming year and was drawn to the word grow.
i still am.
and i feel, deep in my bones,
2010 is going to be a transformational year of growth for me.

but something niggled, and i didn't feel the word grow completely captured what i was feeling.
then i came across the word integration in a comment or post somewhere (i apologise i don't actually remember where!)
and it clicked.

one of my biggest frustrations currently is i feel there are many disparate parts of myself which seemingly function in isolation of each other.
yet they are all areas and aspects of my life i am discovering and loving;
they are very real parts of me i want to nurture and help grow.
but i also know together they can form a more cohesive and stronger whole.
linking these parts of myself with each other will create something meaningful, so i want to intergrate these aspects too...

intergrow. is that a word?
no, but intergrowth is,
and it means:
in·ter·growth \ˈin-tər-ˌgrōth\
n.
1. The growing of one thing with or into another.

perfect.
i am ready to start putting the pieces of me together.

for inspirational "word-of-the-year" stories, check out christine kane's blog this month as she features guest writers telling their stories of 2009

{interview me}

it started with jamie,
danette played along,
and now it's my turn...

i was super excited to see what danette was going to ask me
but had to wait until now,
when i had some clear space and time,
to allow my thoughts to hatch...

but, first things first,
THE INTERVIEW RULES

* if you want, leave me a comment with your email address saying: “interview me”
* i will then e-mail you five questions of my choice
* you can answer the questions on your blog {with a link back to my blog}
* you should also post these rules, along with an offer to interview anyone else who emails you.
* it would be nice if the questions were individualized for each blogger

danette's questions for me:

1. if i were to take a photograph of how you are feeling right this second, what would it look like?

at first glance,
possibly somewhat unremarkable.
a casually,
erm, very casually,
clad woman sitting in a very messy room...

but, on closer inspection you would notice,
other than my somewhat questionable attire
(i'm wearing my comfy best: the husband's old grey t-shirt and pj bottoms!),
the rosy glow of my cheeks...

you would see the hint of colour celebrating the precious spring-summer rays.
and my tousled hair,
alluding to long lazy hours in bed...

you might remark on the sparkle in my eyes,
which bore witness to three days of bliss.
of sunshine,
friendship and love.
of shopping,
frappucinos and music.
of nothing particularly significant,
yet special all the same.

yeah, it would be one of those photographs which you might easily overlook,
but realise there's actually a lot more to it...

2. what is your ideal artist's date?

my ideal date would be messy.

paints, paper, glue, glitter...
music, coffee, chocolate.
drawing, cutting, pasting,
sticky fingers,
splashes of colour in my hair,
sparkles on my face...

critic asleep,
muse out to play.

3. if you could have one of your senses magically magnified and intensified for one day, what sense would you choose, and how would you play with it?

for me it's got to be my sixth sense.
oh yes, to have this sense magnified,
to truly feel it,
would = fearless creative abandonment.

i imagine it to be like,
lying in a darkened room with a powerful piece of music playing;
just loud enough so that it surrounds you...
until everything is one:
until what i feel in my body,
see through my eyes,
hear, smell and taste,
is the music...

yeah, to feel like that completely and totally for one day?
wow, can you imagine?

4. tell me about how you dance.

i think the way someone dances can tell you a lot about them.
and i think there is nothing sexier than a woman dancing confidently.
at one with her body,
her feminity and her humility,
there is something so alluring about a sense of humour mixed with a sense of rhythm!
and i am always a little envious.

i move about a little awkwardly most of the time;
particularly when i don't know the song.

however there are glimpses.

give me a good song to dance to,
(= one i can sing to)
and suddenly my inhibitions are gone.
for those 3-something minutes i can nearly lose myself...

more of those moments please!

5. what are you proud of that most people don't know about?

this question really had me stumped.
a lot of material achievements came to mind,
but nothing i am significantly proud of.

i've also overcome various trials and tribulations,
but again,
nothing i would necessarily class as remarkable or worthy of particular note.

in fact,
and i am genuinely not seeking to be modest here,
there is nothing specifically i can think of.
that is not to say i don't acknowledge or value my achievements;
but i've just bumbled along like most people,
with my share of successes and failures...
i guess i'm proud of that alone!



thanks danette, i really enjoyed these!
anyone fancy being interviewed?

{navel gazing}

i love my work.
and i feel lucky the question i ask myself is not,
what can i do?
but how can i do what i do,
better?

i can't help but feel sometimes,
all this navel gazing i do,
is a privilege of someone in my position.
and by that i mean someone who is working.
someone with money in the bank for everyday necessities,
and the occasional perk.
someone who is in love,
with someone who loves her back.
someone who had parents (despite their flaws) who loved her.
someone who was lucky enough to make it through most of school,
and can enjoy the magic of the written word.
someone who doesn't have to survive each day,
just to exist.

yeah, when you are that lucky,
you have time to meditate on life:
to dream bigger,
to battle your inner demons...
because you are led,
through books, the internet, friends,
to others who inspire you.
support you.
encourage you.
and finally to a place where you feel the sense of opportunity,
believe in the possibility.

this is the journey i have been on,
and i want to be able to offer a glimpse of this to those i work with.
most of whom have never thought about their potential
(probably never even believed they had any)
and whose lives have been littered with misery, heartbreak and crime.

but where do i begin?
how do you start?
these are the questions i've been pondering tonight...

what questions have you been asking yourself today?

{lost and found}

i used to journal avidly in my younger years.
in fact i used to write often,
spilling my heart onto the page,
for a detailed and gruesome post mortem.

looking through the pages,
misery certainly set up home comfortably between the lines.
i rarely wrote about my successes, achievements, celebrations.
instead, pages upon pages of woe stare back at me.

then i met cam and,
like someone ditching her best friend the first time a boy asked her out,
i didn't need my diary anymore.

cam breathed literal life into me.
and i moved from the lines of a notebook,
into the real world.
laughter and love became part of me and,
to be honest,
i was enjoying it far too much to sit down and write about it!

fast forward nearly 8 years and i am still as,
if not more,
blissed out.

yet something has been amiss and,
as each year flies by,
i've been subconsciously trying to catch it.
scrapbooking and photography...
soul coaching, the artist's way...
searching.

but i am happy.
what could it be?
even many of these blog posts have beared witness to the hunt...

and tonight it finally dawned on me.
i missed my best friend.
when i gave up journalling,
i realise now i gave up a relationship with me.

my journal grounded me.
it was an honest conversation with myself.
sure, it was probably a little morose and desperate at times.
but that was where i was at.
that was me then.
and if nothing else,
i knew what i was about!

but in the last years i've been in love,
i forgot to tell myself about it.
i didn't stop to share.
didn't pause to consider,
didn't think to express the magic which was occuring...

and that's what i've been searching for.
that's the subtle,
but vital,
ingredient i have been missing.

so i called her up tonight,
and we're going to get together again.
yes, i am going to start writing again.
not because i want to blog,
or because i should do my morning pages,
or even because i fantasise about one day being a writer.
but just for me,
to me.

what have you lost and found recently?

{peeking in}

we are moving next month, and our new landlord kindly invited us to the annual local village breakfast this morning.

held on the heath and set back from the main road,
down a winding path lined by bluebells,
we arrived at a dreamy clearing amongst a copse of trees.

it was a lovely way of gathering the villagers together in times where community is such an undervalued asset.
and, despite the typical grey clouds of a british bank holiday,
laughter mixed with the irresistible smells of sausages and bacon on the charcoal fired bbq...

it was all great except for the fact everyone there seemed so grown up.
with their 2.5 children,
picnic sets straight out of country living magazine,
estate cars and barbour jackets...
cam and i felt a little like we had gate crashed one of my parents parties!

the crazy thing is these people are not that much older than us.
so why did we feel this way?

is it about being parents?
is that the ticket for automatic entry to being a grown up?
will i forever feel immature because we don't (can't) have children?

i don't know.
what i do know however is i just didn't connect with the people there today.
for one reason or another,
perceived or actual,
we were kept very much on the periphery.

and it left us a little melancholic.
initially the self flagellation started.
it's because we're not good enough.
not professional enough.
not wealthy enough.
not grown up enough.

but, having spent some time thinking about it,
i realised that is not why we were feeling despondent.
rather, it's because we realised this was unlikely to be home.
in our eternal search for belonging,
we knew then, it wasn't going to be found here.

and you know what?
that is fine.
because having had the opportunity to peek into their lives today,
i note we live in vastly different worlds.
and, as beautiful as it might be for them,
it's not where i want to be.
and so our journey continues...

what worlds have you peeked into recently?

{signposts from the universe}

sometimes when you are ready, there is no avoiding it.
the universe doesn't give you an opportunity to forget,
to ignore the path you know you should start travelling down.

just these last couple of days i was hit with this, this and then this.
every one of these posts screamed out at me:
"hello! yes, hello! recognise this? hear this? get it?"

"this is more about being the person i want to be, and instead of standing up and trying to explain who i am or convince people of who i am, i let everyone believe what they want to believe."

"let everyone believe what they want to believe"
that's it. that is the key.

it doesn't matter.
you can't change it, so stop worrying about it.

honestly, so much of my time is spent worrying about how other people will react.
what will they think? say? feel?
i can't even begin to imagine how much of me is lost in that process!
how many original ideas have i given up over the years because i was concerned about how someone else might interpret it?
how much of what is unique about me, has been discarded because i feared how someone else might react?
how much individuality have i sacraficed because i wanted someone to like me?

sometimes, on the road to discovering who you are,
you lose yourself.
be it through admiration and imitation
or adulation and intimidation,
either way it's a dead-end.
and often one that's taken you further away from where you were aiming for.

the time has come to reclaim myself.
because people will believe what they want to believe -
so why continue to adapt or worry about who i am for others?

and so there is a fork in the road,
and i know which path i must take.

i need to step inside my own skin and feel comfortable.
to walk in my own shoes and have faith that,
in being true to myself,
i will naturally attract what is right for me.

because in this search for my own voice,
that is the only way to find it.

where is your journey leading you?

{things}

i am doing this amazing e-course at the moment which is quite literally unravelling me, and the ways of seeing myself! this week our assignment is to consider the inanimate objects in our lives, our favourite things, and what it is about them which makes them precious to us.

interestingly, what i initially thought would be a relatively easy exercise, actually proved quite difficult...

i am lucky, i am surrounded by many wonderful things. but when i came to consider what my favourites were and, more importantly, why? i was actually at a lost. i came to see, amongst the beautiful things i surround myself with, there was little with real substance behind it.

don't get me wrong, most things have a story; like the scarred leather jewellery box given to me (via cam) by this lovely old lady who used to shop in our shop. or the ornate rosewood sideboard which was my father's first purchase in the far east when he moved out there in his twenties... and of course, those stories are meaningful to me. but i wouldn't call them my favourite things...

when i did eventually find my groove however, i realised the magnitude of what some things can represent. how carefully hidden treasures actually carry pieces of your heart because of the memories they hold. for me it was not about the actual thing itself so much, but rather the essence they stored of the people who bought them into my life: the moments shared. the moments lost. and ultimately now, the moments cherished.

i realised, this week, i genuinely have very little attachment to things. and in many ways i am happy about that. it reminded me what made life meaningful and special is the people in it, because it is they who breathe life into the inanimate objects we surround ourselves with. it showed me how even pain can eventually metamorphosise into beauty, given time. and it affirmed my role in the memories i am choosing to carve for myself: through things i buy, create or capture through the viewfinder... because i too give it life, give it meaning.

i feel in some ways i am beginning to look at the details in life a little more, taking the time to look beyond the surface. i am looking in places i have not looked before, or in areas i've neglected for a little too long. i am wandering through the rooms in my head and heart, examining what is there, dusting down and polishing up the treasured heirlooms and slowly but surely removing what is no longer needed...

{discipline}

dis·ci·pline (ds-pln)
n.
1. training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.
2. controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control.

i am feeling guilty.
i should be at yoga.
why didn't i go to yoga?

i lack discipline.
this is why i lie in a graveyard of good intentions:
writing.
exercising.
cooking.
cleaning.
painting.
scrapbooking.
reading... and the list goes on...
and they lie together lifeless, except for the teasing glimmer of possibility...

my last post was about building and i guess now i am looking for the tools.
discipline seems a must.

why does it feel so difficult sometimes?
why is it so difficult to pick yourself up off the sofa and get down to yoga?
why is it so difficult to just open a blank page or screen and do something with it?
why do i not just read the book i want to read?
or dig out the recipe book and cook what i want to cook?

oh i have the arsenal of excuses:
what if i try and suck?
i'll start tomorrow.
i'm too tired.
i'm not inspired right now.
i don't have the right tools... they just keep on coming!

yet as i write this, i see the answer is simple.
i just need to start changing what i say to myself.
change the questions i ask, the statements i make.
in fact all i need to do is ask myself one simple question:
would doing this bring me closer or further from who i want to be?

and so this is where i need discipline...

i should have gone to yoga tonight... but i will go next week ;)

{be the change}

picture by the fabulous stacy, necklace from bellawish

happy new year.

following in the footsteps of a superhero, i am doing away with resolutions this year. in fact subsconsciously i was already rewriting my intentions for the new year, and they were not about things i wished to change about myself; but rather, they were all about things i wished to manifest for myself.

because now, as i stand before a landscape of new beginnings, i feel stronger. more certain about who i am and what i want for myself. last year i was unable to complete a mondo beyondo list because i was too scared. too timid to stand and declare my wildest dreams. too afraid of failure. embarassment.
i still am afraid of these things, but i've learnt this year not to let fear hold me back.

2008 has been a transformative year for me. it forced me to step outside my comfort zone and reach for the things important to me. it's still an ongoing journey, but at least i've laid the foundations. i gently opened my heart and, in doing so, i've experienced the sweet nectar of possibility. it's been a tough year too, but i've survived the bitter disappointment and failure. i stared my fears in the face and stepped right into them. and i found strength in my achievements.

2008 challenged my relationships too. it forced me to ask difficult questions of myself and of those around me. as a result, i've found new kindred spirits but i've also had to learn how to let go of old friendships. still, my marriage continues to inspire me. anchor me. and remind me of all that is good in the world. cam's new job, my mother's third stroke and our ivf journey, challenged us greatly and put our love and commitment for each other under scrutiny and strain. but we've come through stronger, and more in love. i am forever grateful for the most amazing gift i have in this man.

ultimately 2008 has allowed to me to heal some old wounds. it has allowed me to exorcise some old ghosts. it has allowed me to finally grow. blossom, and be who i've always wanted to be.

and so my word for 2009 is simply {be}. and i received the necklace above from my husband as a gift to remind me of my intention ~ i am enough, and so long as i be who i am, i will be the change.

{making a difference}

maneouvring through a maze of grief, cam and i have been talking a lot recently. we've been exploring where our souls wish to lead us next, and trying to unravel the truth from the lies we tell to protect ourselves and our hearts...

because what are we really crying about? i mean, although we may never be able to have our own biological children, we are still able to have a family if that's what we really wanted. so is that what we want? and if not, what is it we are mourning the loss of?

don't get me wrong, there is nothing i would desire more on some days, than to see the reflection of our love in the face of a child. to feel the warmth of a small body snuggled into me. to hear cam being called 'dada'. but the truth is, those moments are still be available to us if we choose. so is it really about genes?

and that is the crux of it. from thinking we had no choice, we've found we actually do. in fact, rather than blindly following the conventions of: grow up, meet someone, get married, have children, grow old, die. suddenly we are faced with a conscious decision. and the question becomes: what do we really want as opposed to what should we want. because, when it comes to having children: is it about creating a part of us, or is it about creating a family? and exactly what is a family? what does it mean?

of course most would probably say it is a bit of both, and i don't doubt for the majority it probably is. but for the growing number of couples who cannot have their own biological child, it becomes a genuine question.

cam told me tonight part of his pain is the thought his existance is no longer valid. that his infertility is the universes way of saying he is not worthy to procreate, to take part in the cycle of life. to be part of evolution.

i never thought of it like that before. but what he said resonated.

all my life i've yearned to be something more. to make a difference. to contribute. and i can see now how parenthood is one of the most valuable contributions people can choose to make to society. to create a new life and have the power to instill into that pure being the values and magic of possibilities... wow, what could be more important or worthwhile. talk about well and truly "making the world a better place."

but reality isn't like that. certainly not in the world i live in at the moment. where i work, i meet some of societies most broken and damaged people. where children are having children, and mothers and fathers are too high to care. i talk to men who don't know how to resolve an argument without using their fists, and young girls who get their teenage kicks from street robberies. i spend my days trying to understand who they are and how i can help them.

because i see their raw potential. i see the twinkle in the eye of the man who spends his nights getting stoned and sleeping all day. i see the strength in the 19 year old mother of two who has battled addictions since she was 13 when left by her parents to fend for herself. i see a future for the 'hoodie' who didn't believe he could hold down a job, but has been working for the last 2 months now.

i see possibilities in them they may have never seen themselves. i believe in the strength of human spirit. and i am willing to work with them for as long as i can, to help them see it in themselves. they are not babies. and they don't come from me. but they are part of me. they are part of my world and, to play even the smallest part in theirs, i am making a difference.

without giving birth and having a nuclear family of my own, i can still contribute to the world. i can still plant my seeds. maybe not in the form of my cells and DNA: but hopefully with my words, my hope and, most of all my love.

{after the rain}

i am floundering this week. i have not been unhappy. but i have been wholly uninspired. photographs don’t look right. words won’t string together. even at work it seems like my mind is working against me. so although i started the week relatively optimistic, i am fast spiralling into a cavern of uncertainty.

i try and desperately look around me. is it my environment? certainly the study has seen better days. so i tidy it. no difference. maybe it’s the bedroom? so i overhaul that too. but still i sit here. struggling to find the something that will ignite the embers inside... and i am seriously worried if nothing happens, they will extinguish altogether!

so i force myself to type on the blank screen. hoping that by the act of doing, something will be created. meaning can be found. and it’s true: there is magic in action...

admittedly i thought i was going to come across some profound inner truth. some hidden but significant fact about myself. or my past , or something equally insightful...

but the bottom line is procrastination. plain old procrastination.

initially i thought it was fear. certainly fear is a little more dramatic and i could work with some inner demons and write an entire post about the fear of stepping out and owning my dreams and what if i fail etc etc etc. don’t get me wrong, that is all true, and fear is definitely a contributor - but ultimately only to back up its mate: procrastination. not quite as menacing a word is it? but that’s what it boils down to: fear stands in the way of action. and action is called for now.

because the fact is every day i write down what it is i need to do. these early uncensored thoughts in my morning pages has made me unwittingly declare my intentions. from the mundane, to the creative, to the profound. i can’t deny who it is i want to be and what it is i want to do. but every day i do nothing about it. hidden in the barely legible writings of my notebook, i try and ignore them. and then i sit here wondering why i am floundering!

so yes, although it is the faithful foe that prevents me from taking those first tentative steps, i am reclaiming the power. so what if i do fail? the real failure would be in not trying. i am sick of sitting here thinking about all the things i should be doing. waiting for it to be perfect before i start. because ultimately perfection doesn’t really exist. what is perfect to me today, may not necessarily be so tomorrow, and it certainly won’t be to everyone. i don’t want to waste anymore time waiting for the right moment. because that is now. it always has been. it was just waiting for me to catch up!

{empowered}

what do you do when things suck?
well today i had a little cry on the kitchen floor.
there is nothing worse than feeling powerless.
and for a few hours today that’s exactly what i felt:
and it sucked.

after wallowing for some time and actually, not until the moment i sat down to blog about my misery, did i remember something that had the potential to lift me from the doldrums...
a vague memory of these big ideas i get each day....
this one was all about tony robbin’s concept that ‘to think’ is really ‘to question’ and basically we go through life continually asking and answering questions within ourselves.
looking at how i was feeling today, i can see now how very true that is and how the questions i was choosing to ask (and answer) only served to reinforce my despair: what did i do wrong? why i did wrong? how i did wrong? it was all about the negatives. the if onlys. the bad me. the poor me. pretty disempowering stuff eh?

and so of course the effervescent tony’s answer to this: ask yourself better questions!
of course. how ridiculously simple is that?
but it’s true. and i did. and suddenly...

banish those blues!
what happened today was bad. but it’s happened.
dwelling, focussing and reliving it, serves no purpose.
instead i will chose to ask myself what have i learned from this experience? what has this taught me? and most importantly, what do i intend to do about it?
it’s amazing how much more fun and uplifting it is planning something empowering!

and so that’s exactly what i have done. and it feels great.
i feel i have turned the situation around and made it work for me as opposed to against me.
sure, it doesn’t change the reality: but i’ve changed my perspective.

{peace}

i made myself a necklace today.

do you remember when power bracelets were all the fad?
well this is a little like that except ~
it is not mass manufactured by people unknown,
but rather it is made with care, love and
a very clear intention:

to empower me on this next stage of my journey.

i deliberately didn't think about what stones to make the necklace with
but rather allowed myself to be drawn to the ones that spoke to me {now}

i ended up with a necklace all things feminine
made up of beautiful and delicate hues of lavendar, green and blue flourite,
mixed with strong splashes of deep purple amethyst.
the symbolism of the stones i chose didn't escape me ~
and spoke volumes about where i am at now.

i am functioning on a high vibrancy man.
these last few days, and near 360 degree changes in my way of thinking, have left me exhilirated and... exhuausted!

i am inspired. overwhelmed.
excited. apathetic.
hopeful. fearful.
positive. negative.
yeah, i'm pretty much a yo-yo!

i am desperate for some grounding.
i need {peace}
peace within
and peace without.

and for that i need to {be still}

stillness is a foreign concept to me.
but i know now, more than ever, this is what i need.
because only then will i hear my voice.

and that is what this necklace will give me.

it doesn't matter whether you believe in concept of crystal energy or not.
for me it is the {intention}
and every day i see my self wearing it, it will remind me of that.