{lost and found}

i used to journal avidly in my younger years.
in fact i used to write often,
spilling my heart onto the page,
for a detailed and gruesome post mortem.

looking through the pages,
misery certainly set up home comfortably between the lines.
i rarely wrote about my successes, achievements, celebrations.
instead, pages upon pages of woe stare back at me.

then i met cam and,
like someone ditching her best friend the first time a boy asked her out,
i didn't need my diary anymore.

cam breathed literal life into me.
and i moved from the lines of a notebook,
into the real world.
laughter and love became part of me and,
to be honest,
i was enjoying it far too much to sit down and write about it!

fast forward nearly 8 years and i am still as,
if not more,
blissed out.

yet something has been amiss and,
as each year flies by,
i've been subconsciously trying to catch it.
scrapbooking and photography...
soul coaching, the artist's way...
searching.

but i am happy.
what could it be?
even many of these blog posts have beared witness to the hunt...

and tonight it finally dawned on me.
i missed my best friend.
when i gave up journalling,
i realise now i gave up a relationship with me.

my journal grounded me.
it was an honest conversation with myself.
sure, it was probably a little morose and desperate at times.
but that was where i was at.
that was me then.
and if nothing else,
i knew what i was about!

but in the last years i've been in love,
i forgot to tell myself about it.
i didn't stop to share.
didn't pause to consider,
didn't think to express the magic which was occuring...

and that's what i've been searching for.
that's the subtle,
but vital,
ingredient i have been missing.

so i called her up tonight,
and we're going to get together again.
yes, i am going to start writing again.
not because i want to blog,
or because i should do my morning pages,
or even because i fantasise about one day being a writer.
but just for me,
to me.

what have you lost and found recently?