Knight of Pentacles

All through my school years, particularly in the lead up to my GCSEs, I loved drawing timetables.  Did you ever do that?  I would use a different coloured marker pen for the days, and then different colours again for the subjects.  Sometimes I would carve it up into hourly segments, other times it would simply be blocks of revision time.  Weekends would be particularly intricate (stickers were involved!) and they were basically multi coloured masterpieces.

The thing is, I became so focused on creating The Perfect Timetable, I was forever tweaking it (and with each tweak came a new timetable)  until I probably spent more time planning my GCSE revision than actually doing it!

That's the danger of the Knight of Pentacles.

Because, although all Knights are about action, some react faster than others, and this Knight likes, maybe even enjoys, the preparation - the planning - a little too much.  Such is the need to succeed,  the fear is, nothing short of perfection will do. 

With perfection comes the risk of procrastination though, and I am so guilty of that.  In a bid to be inspired, I have spent hours looking, no, actively searching, for people who might be writing, painting or shooting in interesting ways.  I mean hours.  And these are the same hours I could have been writing, painting and shooting. 

It's a fine line between inspiration and comparison, one being the death knell of creativity.

Pentacles is the suit which represents our earthly existence, our outer self as seen by others, so it can be frightening to let our creative selves be seen without a plan or before we feel it's perfect.  The truth is though, we can never fully plan for the future, and for me, I've yet to write, paint or shoot anything I've thought is perfect.

Lasting success is built on discipline, patience and hard work.  And most of the time we just need to harness the energy of the Knight, find the courage to let go, and hit the publish button.

The Chariot

image from here

The Chariot is an auspicious card I feel, as it heralds the end of a significant journey, yet at the same time lets us know the journey is far from over.

In some ways I feel I've come full circle, and I guess by returning to blogging, and returning to what inspires me, I have.  At the same time, the significance of this card is, "Well done, you've just completed Part 1.  Now, armed with this new wisdom, go forth and enjoy the adventure."

I feel like a child who rediscovers her toy box and wants to play with EVERYTHING!  Which is exactly what this card warns to aware of.  The forces of the heart and head need to come together in balance for the next chapter to be successful, and where previously I was neglecting the needs of my heart in favour of my head, now I'm at risk of the opposite!

So the Chariot is a timely reminder that although I am on the right path, these energies need to be harnessed to work together before it will get me home.

Page of Cups

image from here

When Cam and I first met, I was the embodiment of the Page of Cups.  After months of self reflection devouring the likes of Conversations with God and The Road Less Travelled I was primed to be my authentic self.  Admittedly there was a fair amount of pot smoking involved which may or may not have heightened these said emotions, but the bottom line is, I was open... to being open.  I was ready to be real, honest and vulnerable.

So, when we fell in love and got married after 4 months, it was like everything in the Universe had aligned to reinforce this strong belief in myself and my intuition.  It was a liberating period and, when I read some of the emails I wrote back then, not just what Cam and I wrote to each other, but emails I actually wrote to his parents and my parents - it's like they were written with no filter. Just raw emotion spilled on the page.  I blush reading them now, can't quite believing I wrote so freely.  But I also miss knowing that freedom.  Of being able to just put it out there without fear of judgement or ridicule.

But then something, or some things must have happened. 

Maybe it was the fifth time I knew I was pregnant and then realised I wasn't.  Maybe it was when I heard that my oldest childhood friend had initiated a conversation to question the credibility of my marriage, and no one defended us.  Maybe it was the fact none of my girlfriends cared about my Invitation to them.  Maybe it was just life got busy.

All I know is it became harder to take emotional risks.  Harder to trust myself and others.  I guess a catalogue of heartaches, humiliations, shame - all that sticky stuff - can build up and get in the way.  So it's been a real exercise of release this last week,  as I went through my old journals - celebrating the good things and letting go of the bad. Literally and figuratively dredging my emotional waterways, to allow the water to flow freely again.

The Page of Cups heralds a turning point on the emotional landscape. It's about following the path of the heart.  About sharing feelings and making connections.  It's trusting the power of intuition and, drawing the Page of Cups yesterday, is confirmation I am returning to that person again. 

10 of Wands

I feel bad even thinking this, because I am so grateful for being busy, but I know I need to reassess the direction we're going in.  It's hard because it seems counter intuitive to consider reducing business, but that's really only from cold, hard, cash terms.  I mean of course I want a business that is sustainable and can provide us a living, but it's not the only reason I choose to be self employed, in fact it isn't even the main reason.  I wanted to take pictures, work from home at 3am if I want to, design pretty cards, meet interesting people, sleep in till 10am, go to different places, create something unique for our couples - have adventures!  Those are just some of the reasons that come before money.  Yet over the last three years I somehow lost sight of this, and quantity came dangerously close to superseding quality.  Quality of service and quality of life!

The 10 of Wands is acknowledgement of creative success in turning a spark of inspiration into something into real, but warns of taking on too much.  Being self employed, I thought the only way was to do everything, despite anything.  That work/life balance thing?  Doesn't actually work when you spend ALL your time working.

So although I'm still a control freak and want to do everything, it's time to set some parameters which allow me to deliver the service, and live the life, I envisioned.

10 of Swords

The moments leading up to Anthony allowing himself to fall from the edge of the cliff.  The mental anguish you can see in his face.  That.  That is the 10 of swords.  All that and the moment of... 

release.

I've always had an aversion towards the suit of Swords, so I wasn't exactly thrilled at drawing this card last night.  The imagery for the Swords is often dark and depressing and generally makes me feel uneasy, but I guess that's the reason for this card.  It is meant to be uncomfortable, because the mind can be the biggest enemy of creativity.  Staring at a blank page in front of me, my fears of being wrong, of being ridiculed, of getting hurt - of dying even (honestly, sometimes the fear of dying and the thought of my journals being read can stop my flow!) are all products of my mind which debilitate.  

It's a shame because the mind has good intentions, she's just a little over protective, taking it upon herself to protect me from unseen dangers, even when I haven't asked for it.  This unfortunately then triggers the internal conflict which often leaves me in a state of paralysis.  

"Don't do it. You'll regret it."
"Don't write it. You'll be embarrassed."
"Don't draw it. You'll look ridiculous."

I received this card in response to my question about what this renewed enthusiasm in art, blogging and tarot means, and the 10 of Swords indicates that I'm on the precipice of discovering this.  But to succeed I need to be embrace my fear - feel it, acknowledge it, maybe even thank it - then, like Anthony, I need to find the courage to fall backwards into the unknown.

Two of Cups

image from here

The twos in a suit represent a union - the coming together of the initial thought (swords), opportunity (pentacles), spark (wands) or connection (cups) from the ace - into something more rooted in reality.  For cups this is generally in the realm of romantic relationships and is ultimately about your emotional state of being, so it seems apt I drew the 2 of Cups yesterday morning and that I've been affectionately referring to it as the Honeymoon card, seeing that is exactly how I am feeling at the moment.

The 2 of Cups is that first rush you experience when you know things are serious. The dance in your belly the first time your lips meet.  The tangle of anticipation and excitement as you talk about your future.  The tingling of your skin next to each other.  That's what the 2 of Cups feels like.

Obviously Cam and I are not newlyweds, but this card captures the energy swirling around us at the moment as we imagineer a new adventure for ourselves. 

The card also carries a reminder that, to have a true union with another, you must bring yourself whole, and I can't help but wonder if this giddy excitement I feel is in part to do with my new joie de vivre?

Actually, what am I saying?  I know it is.

King of Wands

"Every production of an artist should be the expression of an adventure of (her) his soul"

- W Somerset Maugham 

I drew the King of Wands last night and, according To Mary K Greer in Tarot for Your Self, this card is about the "establishment of self."  Wands represent the fire element and that spark of inspiration.  The King is the master of his suit.  This card symbolises the ability and the belief in our creative abilities.  I believe most artists in some way embody the King of Wands, however if there is an imbalance, someone could appear arrogant and vain about their art or equally the opposite, and be seen as weak and insecure.

Ultimately though this is a portentous card which carries great gifts if manifested appropriately.

For me, drawing this card led me back to art journaling. This was something I discovered about 6 years ago,  but when I realised my journals were looking nothing like those I was seeing on Pinterest (not even close!) I grew despondent and gave up.  However, listening to Big Magic recently and hearing Elizabeth Gilbert recount the story of her friend Susan who took up ice skating again at the age of 40 because it was the last time she had a real sense of joy (my word for 2016 I'm thinking...) I was transported back to how much fun I had when I was drawing and painting.  I mean there's nothing to say it has to look like anything on Pinterest, right?

So today I made a drawing inspired by the King of Wands.  I had limited supplies, and really not a clue (I need to YouTube how to blend colour pencils) but you know what?  I had bucket loads of fun.

Tarot

 "Tarot is a creative tool that helps you to see your true self more clearly and to be that fully."

- Mary K Greer

Tarot has been a part of my life, on and off, for the last 25 years. I have no recollection of how I came upon my first deck (Mythic Tarot), but I do have a sparse journal entry dating from 1989 referring to it, so I'm guessing I probably bought it on the back of a less than satisfactory relationship and was looking for some divine guidance about whether I should stick around for the long haul or not!

Since then you could probably describe me as a collector of cards.  I probably have around 30 with a few Oracles, and a sprinkling of Angel, Mermaid and Faerie decks thrown in for good measure.  But ultimately I always return to the Tarot because there is something about the order and tradition of Tarot which I feel bestows a little more magic upon it.

So I've consulted the cards throughout my life both for guidance and inspiration, and my journals are a witness to what a wonderful tool they are.  However despite a constant voice in the background to work deeper with them, I've failed to maintain a committed relationship in the long term.

But I'm feeling drawn to work with the cards again creatively, by drawing a card and working with it to create something.  And so, the card I drew tonight is The King of Wands.

I don't know what that something is yet - but I'll let you know when I do. 

Spring is here

I finally sense Spring is here and, with all the blog makeovers going on, i felt my own site needed a spruce up too! I also capitalised on my motivation, and finally set up another blog for my tarot explorations. I hope to eventually be offering online readings too, but currently I am looking for some willing volunteers to practice on; so if you are interested, please email me or leave a comment here.

{take 2}

although we "launched" mckinley-rodgers photography a little while ago, truth be known, we were never fully committed to the idea. having been self employed in the past, we found ourselves often conflicted: on one hand yearning for the creative autonomy that comes with being entrepreneurs; yet also reluctant to give up the security of a guaranteed monthly pay check, with paid sick leave and holidays. add to that the financial risk often involved in starting a new business, we have been stuck in the land of indecision for some time now...

i think subconsciously there was a large part of us frozen in fear too; we came so close to losing everything in our last business, the thought of putting ourselves through anything like that again was terrifying. but there comes a point when you have to make a choice, and the nagging voice inside our heads (and hearts) was unrelenting: this is what you are meant to do.

and so, although we are not about to quit our jobs tomorrow, we have agreed to pursue our dreams wholeheartedly; with the aim to be working as full time photographers within 24 months. big dreams at the time of an economic uncertainty? you bet :)

back in november, when we first felt the stirrings, i drew a tarot card to give me some guidance. it's amazing how apt that message still is. in fact it never ceases to amaze me how the tarot can be such a wonderful tool for communicating with your soul; a way of offering insight from your higher self, who so often has the answers and is ready and willing to guide you. and so i am going to embrace the tarot in this journey and use it as a compass to show me the way forward.

i hope to use this space here to document my journey and discoveries, and will commit to a weekly post every monday. if you have plans to start a creative journey, i would love for you to join me!

{stepping out}

it's the first full moon of the new year and so i thought i would draw a tarot card for inspiration, as i sat to think about my dreamboard for this month.

i picked the three of cups and, i have to admit, i was initially a little disappointed, as the meaning of the card wasn't immediately apparent to me...

the threes in a suit tend to relate to the initial successes of creative expression. it's a card of fulfilment; and the three of cups in particular talks of friendships and its joys.

so i sat and meditated on the message the card might have for me how it might relate to my desires for 2010... i was confused. but then it hit me.

i was lucky enough to have started this year in the company of some extraordinary women. it was a power full weekend where the energy was palpable and i still look back in awe at being part of the experience.

and there is a particular moment which sticks in my mind; when dear lisa and i were tucked in the corner doing a tarot reading. sas had left a notebook in the nook where she invited us to write freely as we are called to. so, after the reading, lisa and i leafed through it and found one of sweet leonie's hair tingling, heart moving, poems. as always, i was in awe, and acknowledged out loud to lisa how incredible i thought leonie was. lisa nodded in agreement and said, "but so are you. that is why you are here."

i don't recall how i responded. but i assume with my usual, slightly awkward and embarassed laugh, and possibly even a quiet thank you. but those words have been dancing around me ever since.

because it is hard for me. so very hard to feel that i am an equal in the company of these women. they ooze talent, inspiration, originality, wisdom, style, wit, creativity... from every pore, and i feel so... so ordinary by comparison.

but this card is telling me it's time to step up to the table and take my seat. to believe in my own worth and enjoy the magic that comes from the union of like minded souls. jamie asks "what is your heart yearning for? what is stirring in your heart and soul? what is ready to come into your life, here under the full moon?" and this is it. i am ready to believe in my own worth, and embrace the hand of friendship these wonderful women have reached out to me. i am ready to be me, and believe i bring something to the table too. i am ready to step outside of my own shadow, and howl my desire to the moon.

what's your yearning?

{queen of wands}

i designed the image above in honour of my sister-in-law, deb, whose birthday it is on wednesday. wanting to give her something personal, i decided to draw a tarot card, and picked the queen of wands. i smiled, as i immediately knew how befitting it was for her ~ she is the queen of wands personified.

a strong woman; the queen combines feminine and masculine energies to produce an intoxicating blend of sensual power. as a confident woman, who embraces her femininity without diminishing her strength, she is a natural leader commanding authority through an equal blend of gentle kindness and dogged tenacity. she applies high standards to those around her, but expects them from herself too; and is the perfect friend to turn to for some sensitive but honest advice. warm and outgoing, this queen doesn't hide behind any facade, so you know what you get is real and genuine.

when i talk to deb, or read her emails, i am often in awe of the woman she is. she excels as a mother, wife and friend, and carries the responsibility of important and serious work with the australian breastfeeding association. she leads by example, by stepping into her fear; and shows me you can be scared but, by challenging yourself, you can succeed too.

she exemplifies the element of fire which is the recurrent theme in the suit of wands. because fire symbolises passion, imagination, energy... all the necessary ingredients for great ideas and big dreams. it is the fire which sustains you when the going gets tough and all you have are those dreams to get you through. it is the fire which burns bright, lighting a path of transformation.

she holds these dreams. for herself and for her family. she nurtures them, allowing them to gestate. and when they are ready to be birthed, she delivers them into reality.

happy birthday deb, you rock.
xo

{the magician }

"dreams pass into the reality of action.
from the actions stems the dream again;
and this interdependence produces the highest form of living."
~ anais nin

last year i started dreaming big.
in fact it was about this time last year when i wrote my first list of 101 things.
it was really interesting revisiting that post recently.
to see how many things i subconsciously manifested,
and how many remain gathering dust on the shelf of dreams;
some are even past their sell by date now.

it made me realise though,
i have always been a dreamer.
but what i often lacked was the follow through.
it would seem obvious,
but it's really taken me up until now to really get that.

so today i am drawing on the power of the magicians card and revising my list.
drawing from the power of the universe,
the magician channels that energy into earthly creations.
this is a card of ACTION.

the magician doesn't allow the human affliction of ego (fear) to inhibit this channel,
and is a reminder for me to just let my creative energy flow.
because my dreams are full of magical potential;
i just need to take the next step and manifest them into reality.

101 things (revised in for 2010)
1. start and complete an art journal
2. make all cards and gifts for one year
3. go away on a girls weekend
4. set up a mobile photography studio
5. design my own set of tarot cards
6. have a feather down farm holiday
7. be a guerilla artist for one day
8. keep a body journal for at least one month
9. bake a birthday cake
10. make a recipe book of my mums dishes (with pictures)
11. go to a photo exhibition in london
12. bake cookies
13. sew a pair of curtains
14. complete a 12 week yoga course
15. finsih our australia scrapbook
16. take a photo every day for 365 days
17. take part in the 29 day giving challenge
18. take pictures at a british seaside
19. do a sponsored run
20. have a family photo session
21. revisit paris
22. go on a spa retreat
23. go to prague
24. drive to switzerland
25. be published
26. have a midnight picnic in a boat in the middle of a lake
27. read the tarot professionally
28. go to athens
29. have a dirty weekend with cam
30. renew our wedding vows on the beach
31. start and complete a gratitude journal
32. write love letters to 10 friends (0/10)
33. read women who run with the wolves
34. make a set of postcards from my pictures
35. paint our portrait and hang it up
36. dress up in 50s style and have a photo shoot
37. do a burlesque class
38. learn to belly dance
39. make a compilation CD
40. go on a womens creative retreat
41. sleep under the stars
42. see the northern lights
43. have a garden i am proud of
44. own a claw foot bath
45. be able to do the sun salutation without thinking
46. journal everyday for a month
47. blog twice a week for a year
48. complete street dogs project
49. see the grand canyon
50. find a mentor/coach
51. drive across america
52. learn to salsa
53. salsa dance in cuba
54. join a book group and go
55. have dinner at gees
56. read ten new authors (0/10)
57. go on a dog days out
58. stand up for what i believe in and go on a protest
59. have a belfast sink in my kitchen
60. buy a type 2 camper automatic
61. write a book
62. run a creative workshop
63. exhibit my pictures
64. explore western australia
65. read for 30 minutes every night for a month
66. go to WPPI
67. launch mcKinley-rodgers photography
68. become a certified life coach
69. open an etsy shop
70. run an online workshop
71. organise my wardrobe
72. have my own letterpress business cards
73. photograph 30 weddings in one year
74. make calendars with my photographs for christmas presents
75. attend a photography workshop
76. enter a photography competition
77. find a vintage wingback chair
78. visit the lake district
79. camper van around Scotland
80. revist Mary Coulter Hotel and our tree
81. pick wildflowers for the table
82. grow my own herbs
83. go whale watching
84. buy/build a eco-home
85. organise my photographs (and back up!)
86. read the paper every day for a week
87. go one week without the internet
88. complete an arts foundation course
89. scrapbook our wedding
90. complete yesterday and today workshop retrospectively
91. swim with a beluga whale
92. walk the inca trail
93. dance in the rain
94. watch the sun rise with cam
95. meditate for 10 minutes every day for a week
96. read all the books i own
97. ride the orient express
98. write a page a day for one month
99. wear plaits in my hair
100. go on a canal boat holiday
101. be successfully and creatively self employed

bold italics = completed

{the emperor and his mate}

i got a fabulous new deck of cards recently,
and two of the first cards i drew were:
the king of swords and the emperor.

i bought this new set of cards with the very clear intention they were going to play a major part in the next stage of my life.
and i don't think it is a coincidence the first cards to greet me where there to acknowledge that journey i am embarking on.

from the minor arcana*
the king of swords is a card of wisdom.
symbolised in my new deck by a cat
(who also reminds me a little of puss n boots),
he perches proudly at the dark edge of a cliff.
yet he sits comfortably and securely,
staring at me unwaveringly from his seat.

i particularly like isabel kliegman's interpretation of the king of swords
which she says asks:
"is your life a life of truth?"
"does your life express the truth of your being?"
questions which have led me here in the first place.

the emperor is illustrated by a proud pig,
sitting at the top of the stairs,
on a throne,
red carpet rolling out from under his feet.

again the gaze is direct,
and i find the word pigheaded echoes repeatedly in my mind.
is it telling me to be pigheaded?
or warning me of it?

as a card of the major arcana,*
the emperor represents power and structure.
particularly on an inner level,
which in turn often defines how we are externally.

so, where the king of swords asks how the truth manifests itself in our lives e.g through work
the emperor looks at where this truth comes from ~
within.

in tarot wisdom, rachel pollack says,
"when this card appears, we might ask a simple question:
"do you see this figure as something outside you or yourself?" "

because only by acknowledging the emperor within,
can you establish your own rules,
and reign over your own destiny.

so together the cards have illuminated the path i am on:
the king of swords recognises the external role the cards will be playing in my life.
as physical objects in my everyday reality,
challenging me,
yet providing wisdom and guidance.
whilst the appearance of the emperor reminds me
i need to get acquainted and be comfortable with my own emperor.
i need to create some structure within which to house the enthusiastic and wild ideas and emotions i am experiencing.
i need to understand what empire i wish to rule over,
and i need to explore how that sits within the rules of actual society and the responsibilities expected of me within it.

i am choosing to see the cards at the moment for the inner messages my soul wishes to communicate to me.
but i also recognise the greater picture they are painting of my life at the moment ~
particularly the uncomfortable rumblings i have been having with the very real power and structure of government,
in relation to my current employment.
but that's a whole other post altogether!

right now i am just going to sit with the personal message these cards are enabling me to receive.

what would your emperor (or his mate) tell you?

* this relates to how the different cards are divided and interpreted,
something i will write about in later posts.

{the page of swords}

we've decided to become self employed again.
after 2.5 years of being gainfully employed by another,
we realise,
despite it's obvious benefits (holidays, sick pay etc)
it's not for us.

this is obviously a big decision,
and we are wild with ideas,
so i drew a tarot card to try and harness the message from my soul.

pages are like children,
they carry with them the spirit of youth:
unbridled enthusiasm,
optimisim,
faith,
all those yummy words not jaded through experience.

however,
it is often through experience we gain wisdom.
for not everything necessarily goes the way we hope or want.
sometimes it's unpreventable,
but sometimes it could have been.

particularly in terms of business,
with a little foresight,
with a little thought,
with a little hindsight,
with a little planning,
with a little reasoning;
some things could have worked out differently.

we've had 3 businnesses in our past and,
we are lucky,
2 of the 3 shops we sold on are still thriving
(one unfortunately died a premature death under the care of another)
but looking back,
there were so many things we could have,
should have,
done differently.

too driven by our hearts,
cam and i are guilty of ignoring our minds.
and this is what the page has come to tell me.

because each page brings with it their own special gift.
and for the page of swords,
the gift offered is growth.
but it is wrapped up in challenge.

ideas, thoughts,
start floating in,
presents from the universe ~
little packets of opporunities which,
if opened could change your destiny.

but what they contain is often unknown.
and so one should choose wisely.

in the past however,
cam and i would grab indiscriminately and,
although we somehow managed to make good in the end,
i know in my heart things could have been better.

so the page is here to say yes:
grab these parcels of delight,
but harness the raw energy of air.
use forces of intellect and reason,
and ground these opportunities in honest soil.

it will require fortitude but,
by using experience,
thinking before speaking,
planning before acting,
and learning from mistakes ~
there is potential for magic.

{my fool}

a little while back i talked about wanting to create my own set of tarot cards.
since then i have been marinating in the journey of the fool,
sampling different incarnations of how the card appears to me...

i also realised how easy it is to become stuck at this point,
how the need to have a plan can actually hinder the journey,
creating a state of inertia which counters everything the card stands for.

the image i eventually settled on for my first card carries a picture of me at 3.
from the outset i knew i wanted a young spirit: a baby or child to represent the childish wonder embodied in this card.
and as i played with the different ideas,
i realised this card needed to be personal.
so i scoured through the old albums looking for a picture of myself which held the essence of the fool.

i wanted this card to convey,
and remind me,
that the fool lives within ~
it was there from the beginning,
and sometimes we just need to be reminded.
to remember,
because that's where the magic is.

once upon a time,
there was no plan,
no fear,
just dreams, adventure, and excitment.

a time when the present was exactly that ~
a gift savoured.
each day was a surprise,
waiting to be unwrapped,
each moment a new exploration.

there was no map,
no end destination.
it was a time when i listened to my heart;
before all other voices began to clutter my head and speak over it.

for me,
this is what the card of the fool represents.
the heart speaks...

{a work in progress}

i've spent the last week marinating in my fool's journey,
and it feels good.
a work in progress,
i've also been busy translating my image of the card from the moleskine
into a larger piece of art on canvas...
and i've been having a blast!

the fool is a card that resonates deeply within me.
a self pronounced lover of new beginnings,
this card represents the best of them.
without a care in the world,
skipping forward to meet the future,
with nothing but the expectation of wonder.
there is no fear,
no worries.
being propelled with pure curiosity,
the fool is like the best of a childs spirit,
fun, excitable, passionate and...
authentic.

as a child,
if you're lucky,
you are still empty of peoples expectations,
societys rules,
the perceived rules of conduct and propriety.
as a child you are not yet aware of failure,
humiliation, embarassment.

through a child you can see how life is meant to be lived ~
hope full and present.

as adults this magic has been slowly stripped away,
often without awareness,
with each growing year,
each disappointment,
there is a "reality check" and,
before you know it,
the fool is to be shunned.
to be avoided.
"oh my, you can't risk looking like a fool!"

and so it's been liberating,
getting to know my fool,
taking her hand and skipping down the road.

and i'm not worrying,
because i am looking forward to what's ahead :)

where's your fool been leading you?

{my foolish journey}

i am going to design my own set of tarot cards.
there.
i've typed it.
put it out there.
no going back now!

i am not a gifted artist and,
although i have owned and worked with tarot cards,
on and off,
for the last 20 years,
i am far from an expert.

but.
it's been the one constant in my life.
the one hobby, interest, passion, (insert word of choice or significance here),
i always come back to.
that has got to be telling me something :)

plus, i feel this journey will finally lead me to my inner muse.
finally give us the opportunity to play,
dance, twirl,
across pages together mixing words and paint...

and something tells me this will be the process for me.
this will guide me towards the elusive feeling i have been searching for,
this [something] i have always been craving...

so yeah,
i'm not expecting a lot.

not surprisingly then,
this. this post,
also leaves me feeling a little vulnerable.
naked words,
big dreams,
exposed to potential ridicule,
publically or privately;
and already i fear the quiet judgements people may whisper...

but so i guess it's rather apt my journey begins with the fool then ;)

{temperance}

today i drew the card of temperance. it's day 4 of my 37 day challenge, and the second time i have drawn this card in relation to my mother. coincidence?

our relationship is difficult. it has been for as long as i can remember.
the story of us is long and complex. convoluted and confusing. suffice to say, we have built our connection on a fragile and unsustainable foundation of guilt, unspoken words, hidden feelings and, what makes it most painful, love too.

these last few years have been particularly challenging.
for both of us.
i am an adult. a grown woman, enjoying the best years of her life and marriage with an amazing man. she is a widow. lost and angry, having suffered three strokes in nearly as many years. yet we try and live together, under the same roof, sharing the same space. it's been hard.

most recently my mother appears to have been spiralling into a deep depression. this is heartbreaking and frustrating on so many levels. she refuses to leave her room, doesn't entertain conversation, and merely exists within the four walls of her bedroom, curtains drawn, with occasionally the sound of the TV or radio for company.

caught in the middle between watching my mother literally waste her life away, and the routine of our young marriage becoming more like that of a nursing home, there are days i just want to curl up and hope for it all to go away.

so temperance, huh?

just when i felt all hope was lost, this card is telling me there is the possibility of a happy union between opposites. that such a place exists, where dark and light can complement and serve each other. where the masculine and feminine can combine and create great things.

it is a card about feelings. not the rough and raw emotions we sometimes allow ourselves to function off; but intellectual and balanced thoughts which help us distinguish what we are really feeling.
it calls for what it says on the tin ~ temperance.

this made me stop and consider: what do i want? and more importantly, do my current actions and behaviour encourage it? am i paving the path towards my ultimate goal, or merely muddying the waters? for the first time in weeks, i stopped spinning, stopped reacting, and paused for thought.

temperance is about integrating the clear faculty of thought and judgement with the more passionately driven emotion. somewhere therein lies feeling.

and the reality is, unwittingly, i have been working from a place of angry and frustrated emotion. and within this i have not been able to see the wood for the trees.

it may not solve all our immediate problems. it may not come even close to mending my mothers broken heart, but it is a small step in the right direction...

this is what fuels my desire to learn more about the tarot. how the journey of the fool can light up a path of recognition, provide you with a deeper understanding, and enable you to continue on the adventure...