{bird on my shoulder}

today is truly the first day of the rest of my life.
and i thought i would feel different: i thought i would be skipping through the streets, hugging strangers, exclaiming loudly the wonderful virtues of life... instead, as i walked down the corridors of the hospital, i felt myself having to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall through.

it was a confused and complicated mixture of both sadness and joy. something i am still struggling to decipher now. suffice to say, i was not the elated bunny i had visualised, but instead a deeper, stronger emotion took over...

i went for a mammogram today.
the months/weeks/days leading up to this have been quietly torturous. not wanting to worry those i love, or fuel my own anxieties, i had some lonely moments where awful and fearful thoughts would consume me. even though the doctor had said she wasn't overly concerned, even though i am all about practicising positive thinking and visualisation: there was no escaping that breast cancer is a number one killer. it is something serious and real. and indiscriminate. and that i, like any other woman, was not immune to it.

ironically those dark thoughts were the same ones that opened my eyes to a whole new way of being. the fear lit a light: made me see what it was i feared losing. and it wasn't the bottom line in my bank account or my job description. it wasn't the perfect body or my dream home. in fact it wasn't anything i can really describe...

but it is the essence of my life. everything that makes me get up each morning and thank the Universe for another chance to experience this magic. it is understanding that each moment i have to share with my husband is precious. it is being aware each interaction i have with someone is meaningful. and it is knowing how every minute i choose to spend my time is important. because it is all i have. tomorrow is a luxury we cannot bank on.

i read somewhere that buddhist monks wake up each morning to an imaginary bird on their shoulder who reminds them of their mortality, asking: "is today the day that I die? am i ready? am i living the life i want to live? am i being the person i want to be?" it may sound a little morbid, but for me it was this awareness of death that made me truly start living. and i am thankful beyond words that i have another day to put it to good practice.