{check-in}

as part of the artist’s way programme, you ‘check-in’ at the end of each week to see how you have been doing. for me this is not just a tick check of your ‘to do’ list, but also a reflective exercise: an opportunity to consider what i’ve been doing and how it makes (made) me feel.

and so as i sat down to do mine this morning, i wondered why i don’t check-in more often. why i’ve never really thought to do that about my everyday life. what would i discover? what might i learn?

this week has been pretty momentous. on many levels for many reasons: i started the artist’s way. i started a new job. my mother had another stroke. yeah, it is amazing how much can happen in 3 days. honestly: bang, bang, bang!

i’ve talked about my thoughts on this new journey with the artist’s way here, and truly not much has changed. i’ve definitely felt more enthused and committed knowing that others are sharing this journey, and i feel quietly excited and optimistic about some friendships that i hope will evolve from this process. certainly there are some incredibly talented people out there.

the new job was much like starting at a new school. i did try and remind myself i was now 36, so ‘being liked’ really should not be such a big deal. but of course it still is. in some ways i tried to embrace the experience as a chance for me to ‘be the change’ i wished for myself. and that in itself (is) was interesting: what is that change? who do i see? to be honest it is quite refreshing reflecting on that and thinking: actually not a whole lot different. it’s ironic isn’t it? so often we don’t want to look at ourselves for fear of not liking what we might see. when in fact that is exactly what we need to do in order to feel better about ourselves...

and last, but by no means least: my mother’s stroke. this has been a pretty painful eyeopener, particularly as we had a monumental row the evening of her stroke and i said some utterly unforgivable things. thankfully we had resolved everything by the time she went to bed and i am even more grateful that she was still lucid enough during her attack for me to apologise profusely for upsetting her so much earlier in the evening... but that doesn’t take it away. that doesn’t absolve me from my selfish guilt. and that’s a hard truth i learnt about myself today.

it’s been tough. of course it has. my mother moved in with us 2 years into our marriage, and she has a pretty strong presence. very chinese: with no room for sentimentality, life with her is blunt, direct, and expectant. 5 years on, i would be lying if i didn’t say some resentment has been fostered on my part about the sacrifices i feel i have had to make in order to accommodate her presence in our life. she has no friends and no family in the UK and, with no interest in making any new connections, her life totally and completely revolves around us.

what i realised today however is, despite all the truth in the above, i have been looking at this relationship with completely the wrong perspective. i have been looking at it from my viewpoint: what’s in it for me? what have i been sacrificing? what do i want from it that she is not delivering? what frustrates me? me. me. me. and it finally dawned on me: without her, there is no me.

i know. how could i have forgotten a simple truth like that? i guess that’s what bitterness can sometimes do: blind you to the plain fact.

so today i will go to the hospital with a new perspective. it is not about me. it never should have been. and maybe if i start seeing her, we can finally have the relationship we’ve both so desperately wanted.