{letting go}

it was not to be.
there were tears, sadness and grief yesterday.
but we also feel released. liberated.
free from waiting.
wanting.
hoping.

we've been hoping for 7 years now. and the last two weeks were the closest we ever came to realising that dream. we were so close, we dared to allow ourselves to see it. taste it. want it. but it was not to be.

and so now it's time to put that dream to rest. to quote reinhold niebuhr, "god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” we need peace from this journey. we need to let it go.

and that's okay. as we walked our four legged babies yesterday, i said to cam: "you know how i make myself feel better when it feels too hard? i think about what the worst thing that could happen to me is. and that would be if one of us got really sick and i was to lose you. and then i realise, i can handle anything else."

and so it is. i can handle anything else, because it's not the worst thing that could happen to me. it sucks. and i am angry, sad, confused, hurt and yeah, a little devastated. but it's not the worst thing that could happen to me, and for that i am still grateful.