{the secret door}

i've finally unlocked the door inside my heart.

for so many years i've searched for the key
and wondered what treasures lay inside;
and finally the key fits.
and i stand here,
heart filled with hope and trepidation,
hand on the door knob,
exhilirated and terrified.

art journalling is the key and,
since i've been doing it,
i have been slowly reminded of the importance of play ~
like children do:
full of wonder and imagination...
before judgements, worries, or fears...

because that's where the magic happens.
that's when you are learning,
and that's when you are growing.
to grow = to live.

as i got older,
these magical moments became defined by "successes"
and somewhere along the way,
i forgot about the journey and just focussed on the results.
until eventually,
that was all that mattered.
gone was the journey of exploration, discovery and fun.
only results mattered,
because they were pre-determined,
expected.
desired.
anything less was worthless.
a failure.

yet i am beginning to remember now,
it was the journey which was important all along.
the result was merely the end of one cycle,
a stage in the process ~
no less important,
not good or bad.
compared to any other part,
it has no greater significance,
and it should never negate the stages preceeding it.
each cycle teaches us something,
and each lesson is as precious as the other.

art journalling brings me back to this truth.
a truth which when applied to the blank pages of a book,
is the same truth which i need to apply to life:
explore, discover and have fun!
don't worry about the final outcome,
that is merely one componant of the cycle...

so, on some days i manage to get down on paper something which i am surprisingly pleased with
(the inner critic might have been on a loo break)
but on many other days,
when i seem to be able to create nothing but a mess;
where in the past
(and i do still need to fight the urge sometime)
i would have given up,
ripped out the pages,
bought a new journal...
whatever it might be to erase my self titled "failures"
i embrace these mishaps as new learning experiences.

i can see the correlation now,
between the shame i felt about my imperfections on paper,
and all my other perceived imperfections!
after all if this is how harsh i am with myself about something i supposedly do for fun...

so as i learn to return to the process,
to love my imperfections for what they are,
i find i am equally forgiving of myself in other areas of my life.

this has been both as frightening as it is liberating.
all this time i've craved to be free from self limiting beliefs and ideas,
now i find the door leading to the possible answers,
i am a little nervous about walking through.
but i'm going to take a deep breath,
and open the door.