{soul stories and gratitude}

i have been confused and conflicted since my mother was admitted to hospital.
i think i am also in a little bit of denial.
but the truth is, she is not faring that well.
the truth is we are still in the 'early days' where anything can happen, most of which is not necessarily positive.
the truth is we live in a country with an amazing national health service that unfortunately functions better in ideology than reality.
the truth is i have no control over what is going to happen, and i'm not really sure how to cope with that...

i replay the moment i went to her, over and over again in my mind.
her primal cries and the fear. the pure fear in her face as she cried out, "oh god, please not again"
and it hits me. it hits me hard in the stomach and i feel tears well up in my eyes. how could i have not felt that before? how could i have been so nonchalant and lackadaisical about our life together. about her life?
hindsight truly is a remarkable gift. but all it has given me is guilt...

yet i know none of this is constructive or helpful for my mother now. but i didn't know where or how to find what i needed to be there for her...
until tonight, when dear sweet leonie recommended an author to me... byron katie (referred to as katie). going to her site, i linked onto oprah's soul stories web casts, and wow...
for the last 3 hours i've been mesmerised. not only did i watch katie's interview - i am now onto jill bolte taylor: author of my stroke of insight, an AMAZING book that my thoughtful and beautiful sister-in-law sent me when she heard the news.

what i have heard tonight is too big to completely absorb and comprehend. so immense, i won't even begin to do them the injustice of trying to summarise it with my tired words. but something i am going to let resonate and marinate within. i don't doubt many a future post will stem from the learnings of these wise and extraordinary women.

for now, suffice to say, i realise what has passed, has passed. fine, i may not have been the most patient daughter. i may not have been the most loving, kind, giving... i may not have been many things: but that is over. lamenting what could have been, should have been, does no good. guilt serves no purpose, except to illuminate a new path and invite the kindness that many have shown, which comforts me more than you will ever know.

so tonight, i just wanted to share this new portal of inspiration with you and say a true and heartfelt thank you. i guess sometimes our greatest awakenings can come from the darkest moments.